we're not in kansas anymore!

and i return with my dream of our family remaining a complete family pulled out right from underneath me. just like that. yet from my own doing.

we left for kansas friday morning, so excited about the thought of finding a home, where we could live together under one roof.

we finally made it to KS at 7:30 PM, four hours behind scheduled arrival because of severe thunderstorms, high winds and hail. saturday and sunday, we spent morning to night looking for homes. about 50 all together. exhausted, we were pretty sure that we were going to put in an offer on a home we found in lansing, KS.  on our way back to the hotel sunday night, we spoke with the deaf/hard-of-hearing (DHH) special education lawyer that we had been working with over the months. she shared a bunch of info with us, e.g. out of 90 DHH cases that had gone to due process in her area, only one partially won. that's not good odds...at all!  frustrated, i flat out asked her,

do you think i'm stupid for doing this move for only a year. after a long pause, she said, you want me to be honest? i don't think it's the best idea. me: really? her: people are still having to fight for transcription in CA, where they have supporting case law. what makes you think that they're [the school district] going to give kiele transcription with no supporting case law. and if you end up going to court, it will take more than a year.

while that was super hard to hear, we were so thankful for her honesty. i told her that we might not have to discuss this any further and i would call her back in 5-10 minutes, after i talked to steve.

while still en route to the hotel...we talked. i cried. and then decided that steve will go to KS, while the kids and i stay in san diego. and with that decision, my stomach instantly tightened in knots and my heart ached.

later in the evening, we attempted to have a nice dinner, but it transpired with little conversation or happiness--a sullen mood and more tears. my mind was (and continues to be) flooded with thoughts... alone. sadness. am i making the right decision? what about the little ones? what about steve? how can i do this to the family. how can i not do this for kiele? i have to do this. it's only a year.

on the flight, about an hour from san diego, i looked at steve and said, we're going to be okay. he said, i know we will. but the kids are at such a great age for doing things. i should be with them...especially with all the time off i'll have in kansas. with tears welling, i know. i know.

when we picked up ryder from preschool, after our flight today, the first thing he said, with a tight hug and the biggest smile on his face, did you find a house with a pool?

fighting back the tears, i replied, no, we didn't find a house with a pool. we're not going to move to kansas anymore.  well daddy is. daddy's going to be going to kansas by himself but he'll visit us as much as he can. oh, he replied.

and so, we will do our best. i will find the light again. i will be optimistic again. but that will take time. for the moment, i'm nothing but numb. looking at another year apart. and well...that pretty much just sucks.

the happiest place on earth

we keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.- walt disney

we are back.  from the happiest place on earth.  unless of course...you're skyler and you don't get to ride the carousel horse with pink flowers that you so had your heart set on riding.  oh to be a five-year-old at the happiest place on earth and have to settle for a horse with a pink saddle and jewels...poor, poor child.

seriously though.  we had the most amazing time.  we were together as a family.  yes, we were together...a complete family of five.  having a blast and not having a worry in the world, except how many rides we can ride before the bulk of the disney crowd arrives, at which time we would head to the pool, for the remainder of our not-a-worry-in-the-world day...not a care in the world except having as much fun in the sun as possible.

oh... and... steve and i determined that while the rest of the US might be in a recession, somehow disney has figured out the magic secret in avoidance of such a recession.  there were so many damn people at disney.  and disney aint cheap!  

one night, we went out for dinner outside of disney and chatted with the restaurant's manager for a bit, who shared with us how business has continued to be really great for them...even through these trying time.  it just amazes me.  and makes me want to throw up.

steve and i also established that neither of us are big of fans of theme parks.  the kids wanted to go.  so we went.  all we really cared about was being together.  and the kids having fun with their daddy.  but the next time, we'll be elsewhere.  if steve has anything to say about it, we'll be on a week-long sailboat trip somewhere, with steve as the ship's captain.  i think kiele would vote for that vacation too.  we will see.   

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the above photo is the only photo i took at disneyland.  for real.  the first two days, i didn't even take my camera into the park.  finally on the third day, i convinced myself that i had to at least take a few pictures.  the first shot i took...was of poor, poor skyler.  the last shot...poor, poor skyler.  and so i was done taking pictures at disneyland.

and now...i am in the middle of a photography cleansing.  i just need a break.  for the moment, i don't want to even pick up my camera.  yes, a break will be good.  i have print orders to finish and then i am done.  okay, not exactly true.  i do have two more sessions before i leave san diego but not for a while.  and so the cleansing continues...at least for a little while.

while i've said this before, i once again proclaimed that i'm getting a point and shoot camera and when we do things as a family, i'm taking only that camera...and i'm not worrying about anything. i'm not worrying about getting the perfect shot.  i'm not worrying about getting the perfect composition.  nothing...just capturing the memories. that's all.  i want to get back to being the mom that took a shitload of snapshots.  what happened to that mom?  i'm digging deep to try and find her again and hoping a new (underwater) point and shoot camera will help bring her back out.  i miss her.

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so now... we're home. back to reality. steve is back to work (ugh!). and we're moving forward...preparing for our move to kansas. lots to finish here. lots to prepare for there. i'm excited for the adventure. yet nervous and anxioius about what lies ahead. definitely a new path--one that i am willing to embrace with arms wide open because if we're going to do this, we're going to do this right. ;-)

he's home...

and i'm so happy...i almost can't stand it!! tomorrow...we're off to disneyland for three days.  together.  as a family.  

my friend, peta (from new zealand), took these photos for us.  love you a million peta.  thank you for your friendship and these most amazing memories!

and now... I AM COMPLETE!

p.s. poor steve.  he's on US overload right now.  just wait till he's on the happiest place on earth tomorrow.

almost

well here i am. five minutes before leaving and blogging. yep. don't want to forget the moments. or the feelings. me: come on guys. we need to get ready to go get daddy. ryder: girls. we're going to iraq. we're going to iraq. we're going to get daddy. me: we're not going to iraq. we're going on base. me thinking: ...forget it.

kiele: mom, you look different. me: why? how do i look different? kiele: you just do. me: how kiele? kiele: you look happy. really, really happy and we haven't seen you like this in a long time. peta: your mum is glowing...from the inside out.

so here we are. signs are up. deployment flag and yellow ribbon down. house is clean. we're dressed up and ready to go. to be complete again.

and kiele's right. i'm really, really happy...the kind of happy that i haven't seen or felt for the past seven months.

talk soon. when i'm complete again.

getting ready

Getting ready to go to the airport for our flight to San Diego.All is on schedule but if there are any changes/delays, I will try to get you an email with the change.

Love you! Steve

getting ready. getting close. so, so close. patiently waiting. for tomorrow to come. when we are whole again and... happy little campers :-)

p.s. thanks leah for the most wonderful family photos that i keep referring to time and time again. i cherish them so. and hope you will love yours as much as i love mine...come this june. xo!

powerful thoughts

if you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought again.- peace pilgrim

here i am. waiting. wondering. my stomach in knots. yet butterflies fluttering amongst the knots, all at once. a mix of emotions. a mess of emotions. i catch myself often...with visions of his return. visions of me hugging him tightly. visions of me holding him close, never letting go. i find myself getting teary at the thought of him actually being home again. will it actually happen? finally happen?

knowing that there is a deployment honeymoon phase, i caution myself. and try to bring myself back to reality. then i smack myself and go right back to the honeymoon phase. why should i be thinking anything but? that *is* my reality right now.

we're still battling the flu. but that's okay because i'm hoping it runs its course and we're all (relatively) healthy by the time he returns. to be honest, i think there was a bigger plan. one that i wasn't privy to. but maybe the germs knew and they attacked us at just the right time. if steve had gotten home as scheduled (yesterday), we would have been a mess. a sick mess...literally. ryder got it. i got it. sky got it last night, with a 103 fever. kiele hasn't gotten it...so we will see. for now, we're all thinking healthy, positive thoughts.

and plugging along. continuing to prepare. cleaning. organizing. welcome home signs. laundry. car washing.

still lots of unknowns. a tentative date is all we have. i don't even know if he has left iraq. i just keep hoping. because that's all i have to hold onto right now. hoping...for no sandstorms and a working plane. that they finally take off as scheduled. a safe flight. to arrive as scheduled (for the fourth time)...sometime this weekend. because that's all i have right now. hope. and visions of us being together again.

i so miss him (a screen capture from our last US to iraq skype)!

light at the end of the tunnel

she not only saw a light at the end of the tunnel, she became that light for others.- kobi yamada

so here we are at the end of the tunnel...the light now blinding us, we're so close. today is the day that steve was originally supposed to return from his 7-month deployment. but he's not. as his flight has been delayed a bunch of times and we're now hoping for some time this weekend...hoping! it's a roller coaster of emotions to say the least.

and on top of it all, we've been hit by the flu bug. the regular flu kind. not the swine kind. it started with ryder, who had five days of 102-104 fevers. then me. luckily only body aches and a sore throat. now skyler...whose virus has only affected one eye thus far, making it red and swollen (looks like pink eye but more swollen and no drainage). ryder had the red eye thing too.

we've named our flu virus the red-eyed viral monster, who seems to be enjoying his un-welcomed stay in the schwedhelm home.

initially i was like,

don't these germs know we have a homecoming to attend in a couple days?

but maybe the monster knew exactly what he was doing and graced us with his presence just in time...so that we can all be healthy by the time steve returns. since my friend, peta, woke up with a sore throat this morning, kiele seems to be the last to exhibit any symptoms. we will see. through it all, we've been trying to stay positive.

flooded with emotions, we continue to prepare for steve's return--organizing, cleaning, making welcome home signs. for the moment...still dreaming about being together again.

p.s. did you know that according to the CDC, the regular flu kills over 36,000 people every year.  all this  swine flu hype is driving me crazy.  thank you media for helping the swine flu hype spiral slightly out of control.

what's up?

man, i feel like it's been forever since i blogged. since i really blogged. the weekend before last, i had a mentoring session. and the following weekend...another. i've contemplated mentoring for quite a while and then all of a sudden, it just happened...kind of fell in my lap. i can't say that i had anything specifically written up, but that almost worked out for the best. we talked about anything and everything and went on a shoot together. i was honest and completely open and tried my best to cover everything they requested that i cover. teaching...and giving makes my heart happy and i hope to do much more of it in the very near future.  hopefully crystalynn and katrina got just as much out of the mentoring as i did.  thanks girls!  i had such an awesome time :-)

thanks BJ for this photo of crystalynn and i shooting together.

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and this past weekend, i had the opportunity to photograph a family--a friend of mine and her husband and three kids--before her husband deploys this friday, for six months. at one point, while photographing him and her...snuggling, laughing, sharing, loving--i burst into tears. i didn't expect it to be so emotional, but the fact that they are about to embark on this journey that i am almost done with...well, it just broke my heart. i know they will do great, but...it's still so very hard.  love you pal!

it was right around this moment that set me off and had me in tears...

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all in all, things have been good but pretty darn busy--trying to balance regular life, photography business and now deaf/hard-of-hearing (DHH) advocacy. i'm not really complaining...just trying my best to do...and balance it all (well).

speaking of DHH advocacy, it's another one of those things that i feel i was meant to do in life. completely. entirely.  i see big things in the future--a hope to present at a national DHH convention, creating a oral DHH child website, focused on mainstreamed education and advocacy, paving the way for oral DHH children, etc. with that being said, it all takes time...and 24 hours in a day is just not enough.

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last but not least... only 22 days left. yep, can you believe it? 22 days until our family is complete again...until steve is home...and by my side again. yay, yay, yay!

a day of the ride

life is truly a ride.  we're all strapped in and no one can stop it. when the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. as you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang onto that bar in front of you. but the ride is the thing. i think most people can hope for at the end of your life that your hair is messed, you're out of breath and you didn't throw up. - author unkown

yes, yes, yes... it is true. one month. 30 days. one very short month left. until steve is back home. and our family is once again complete.

and with that said, i have so many emotions flooding my head. as i briefly dwell on the six months that has passed, a part of me feels sorry for us, for steve, for all that we missed together...as a family. halloween. our anniversary. thanksgiving. ryder's birthday. christmas. a new year. steve's birthday. kiele's school award. sky stopping wearing night-time pull ups. ryder stopping sucking his thumb. skyler loosing her first tooth. and her second. skyler getting her first school award. and another one. my surgery. easter. kiele's birthday. and that's only the beginning.

and then i remember that it is not what he has missed but about looking forward and being thankful. thankful for so many things. that the time has passed quickly. we are healthy. happy. my husband is safe. that this part of the ride hasn't really been that bad. i have nothing to complain about. and then i feel selfish for even briefly thinking of the things that steve missed...that we missed with him.

so i refocus--think about steve's return and i get butterflies. the time is actually here, the time when i can say with a smile from ear to ear,

my husband is coming home next month!

we will celebrate. enjoy. share. love. laugh. and we will do all of those things...together! but there's a part of me that is scared because while there is immense joy in steve's return, there is also the reality that his return is an adjustment, a reintegration. and that takes time. but with this deployment, our time is cut short and we will move within a month of his return. i try not to stress and worry about this. but the reality is...i do.

yesterday, i tried to talk to steve about our move (do we rent? do we buy? maybe we should just live on post? what school is best for kiele? when do we find the time to visit KS to check things out? do we take the kids on our visit? if not, who will watch them? when will our actual move date be? when do we pack up? etc.) and our conversation ends on a sour note...and it's my fault. frustrated, i cut our conversation short and then couldn't call steve back. no i love you. i miss you. simply,

i think i'm done with this conversation. bye.

i can't apologize. i have to sit and wait. until the next time he calls. i email him with an apology because that is the best i can do. i'm pissed at myself for letting my stress get the best of me. i'm sad that we cannot talk. that i cannot call him back. so deservedly, i wait...and ponder why i acted and reacted the way i did during our conversation.  why i always seem to get so spun up about moving.  i'm mad. at myself. at the situation. i'm frustrated that we're facing one of life's biggest stressors from 8,000 miles away.

so it's back to refocusing, to telling myself... stop worrying. everything will be okay. holy shit...only 30 days left. how exciting. family time. together. and family time is something that our family needs more than anything.

so what can i say about it all.  i'm a mess.  i'm a mess of emotions--excited, stressed, anxious, happy, sad, scared, hopeful, grateful.  

and i can honestly say that at the end of every day, i remind myself that yes, life is a journey. an adventure. a super exciting ride. and i am blessed that my hair is getting pretty damn messy along the way.  that...is a good thing.

where'er you are

stay the course, light a star,change the world where'er you are. - richard le gallienne

first, it looks as if we will be moving to KS (probably the beginning of june).  the detailer said that he is changing steve's orders and will officially release once the exceptional family member (EFM) stuff is straightened out.  i submitted the EFM paperwork last week, to the san diego EFM coordinator, who in turn submits it to the main EFM coordinating folks in millington, TN.

you should know something in about 6-8 weeks, the coordinator said, as he was handing me my copies of the paperwork. 

what?!  6-8 weeks?  steve has orders waiting and his school start date is 1 july.  is there any way they can expedite the process, since orders are on hold?

yea, i can do that.  so you should hear something in 4-6 weeks.  that's the expedited time.

UGH! so, i'm hoping to know something for sure in 4 weeks.  the coordinator said that most detailers will go ahead and release the orders when the system says processing but i'm not so sure since kiele is rated a category 5 (limiting us to only san diego, DC and norfolk, VA).  my fear is that kiele gets EFM 5 again and then what? for the moment, more waiting.

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if you haven't already noticed, max's parents continue their journey--their fight--against neuroblastoma. and they keep up max's blog.  i noticed today that their huge fundraising event, maxapalooza, is tentatively scheduled for september 26th.  

so i had an idea.

my plan is to come back to san diego, for four or five days every fall and if enough interest, i will come back in the spring too...shooting 8-10 sessions while i'm here. i've already had a number of inquiries for a fall session and have started a waiting list.  if you know you definitely want a fall session, please email me.  sessions will be on a first come, first serve basis.

maybe, just maybe...i can coordinate my return with maxapalooza.  i so want to attend and photograph this incredible fundraising event they are planning.  

also, andy and melis are looking for some volunteer help for the event:

• a web producer
• t-shirt / apparel designer(s)
• facebook / social media guru
• event coordinator / manager

if you know anyone that might be of assistance, please refer them to max's blog and/or just have them email max's dad, andy, at amikulak@yahoo.com.

i close with a photo of max, from the first time i shot him weekly for mashed potatoes for breakfast. this was san diego's children's hospital celebration of champions. even though max lost his battle to cancer, he was and always will be one of the most amazing champions i've ever met. this year, andy and melis will again attend this event, but instead of watching their child run the race, they (along with hundreds of other parents) will release a balloon in their child's memory.

art, art...i want you

if i write them and then recite them, are they worth being heard?just because i like them... does anybody care? do i dare? i ought to. inspired? my stories. how can i tell? art manifesto... great ideas come from great bike rides. pass it on. art will take you places. plant seeds. a broken heart can make great art. experiment. don't care too much. - as seen in the drawings of andrea dorfman, in the music video for tanya davis' song Art

got this link from a friend's blog. so awesome. see for yourself. watch it here.

i'm so grateful, so blessed to be doing what i love. yes... art can take you places. places beyond your wildest dreams. 

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on another note. assignment stuff is complicated. still waiting for medical and educational paperwork (mess) to be completed and then i have to patiently wait for it all to go through the appropriate military channels. once that happens, kiele (and in turn, steve) will get put into an Exceptional Family Member (EFM) category. when we were at whidbey, kiele got categorized as EFM 5, which got us to san diego and put us on homestead status (limiting us to norfolk, DC and here). i have no idea what category kiele will end up being now. i'm hoping for 3 or 4--3 means no overseas; 4 means no overseas and near major medical center / major city. if kiele ends up being EFM 5 again, which i fear, i'm not sure what that will mean for us. i worry about the EFM coordinators getting jilted by the fact that kiele needs to see a cochlear implant audiologist monthly. i just don't know what will come of it all...will steve be able to keep his assignment to war college? if he does, will we be able to accompany him? or maybe steve's assignment will totally change? i. just. don't. know. sigh!

for now, we have to just keep plugging along... steve is going to call the detailer tomorrow to discuss changing his assignment to KS, which they discussed as a possibility last week. after lots of research, we decided that KS has much better options for kiele's DHH educational needs. if steve does get the KS assignment (and we can go), we'll move much earlier than anticipated b/c steve's school start date will be 1 july.

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i've also been keeping really busy the past couple weeks with sessions and donated work. just today, i finished another book, the portrait book--this time for warren-walker's school auction. :-)

...and life takes a turn

do the best you can,where you are, with what you have now. - african-american proverb

my friend, teddy, at military spouse magazine, always checks on me, when i haven't blogged in a while.  today was that day.  and while everything is fine...life has taken a slight turn and suddenly the busy got even busier.  there's been a glitch with steve's orders (too complicated to explain here), but rhode island is on hold and might possibly change to kansas.  i have to complete and submit a hefty amount of paperwork regarding kiele's educational and medical needs and then we will see. for the moment...we wait and wonder.  i'm hoping to know something within the next couple weeks. but to be honest, while i've now begun in-depth research regarding schools in kansas (and missouri), i'm not holding my breath for RI or KS because it could end up being somewhere totally different.  it's all very time consuming but i try to not let myself get frustrated.  i'm a true believer that everything happens for a reason, even if that reason is not immediately evident.  i need to just roll with it all.  and that, my friends, is what i'm trying to do.  keep up.  and roll.

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i also want to share my most wonderful husband--and his NBC military morning salute interview. as i watch it, i think how crazy it is that he's been gone five months. how much i miss him. and...how handsome he is!! (yes, he was a bit nervous too ;-) )

something that one of my good friends pointed out (she was born in dubai) is that steve is sitting in front of an iraqi flag that says "God is great". i thought that was very interesting. a US naval officer not sitting in front of a US flag...but an iraqi flag.

what started out as a simple photo and blurb submission to NBC news turned into this awesome video. if you're military and you have a photo or video to share, do so here. they're always looking for more stories.

a winter deployment

At the beginning of this deployment, I felt like time had frozen into a sludgy drip...like molasses on a cold winter morning. It felt like time had stopped, the deployment hadn't even begun, and that I'd sit perched on the edge of this separation forever. The first two months went just like that...dripping thickly and slowly. Then the next two months felt like I was stuck neither here nor there. It wasn't the beginning, but it certainly wasn't the end. Sort of like standing in a snowstorm....you can see a little behind you and a little in front, but neither the starting point nor the ending point is in site. It feels a little discombobulating. I wanted so bad to see the end, but I knew there was so much farther to go, so as a defensive mechanism, I just wouldn't look. I'd stay focused on the immediate time and space around me and pretend it was all I was ever going to know. Another month passed and I think I heard the icicles start to drip and trickle...getting my attention and making me wonder if this period in my life that was frozen was going to thaw and time would finally begin to move forward again. Would my husband come home on a blast of warm spring breezes? Was winter going to finally go away? And now, here I sit, in the last two months of the long, cold deployment. Autumn's leaves are still strewn around in patches in the corners of my yard. Once in a while, a tempermental breeze will blow a puff of warm spring air past my porch. And the squirrels are venturing sluggishly out of their hollowed logs. Is it really here? Is winter going to go away finally. Is my husband going to really come home? Can I really say, "I'll see you next month?" Like molasses that hasn't quite come to room temp, I am hesitant to say it...hesitant to get my hopes up that this deployment is going to end. I am aware, though, that as the end comes closer, time will get faster and faster, and ultimately I will be completely caught off guard when that ship pulls in on a warm spring day.- rashel fitchett

rashel fitchett was my neighbor, when we were stationed in whidbey island, WA. we still keep in touch through facebook, which is where i read her winter deployment writings.

rashel's words are so real and so beautifully written. it is exactly how i feel...

in the beginning of the deployment, it feels like you'll never get to the end. each day ever-so-slowly passing. the kids not yet realizing what really is happening. then the middle months...you're numb. doing what you have to do to get through each day...b/c there is no choice. the end still nowhere in site. and now, here i sit with two months to go. i can see the end now. i can almost touch it. i find myself often thinking...and dreaming of this end, when steve is here, by my side once again. lately, i've been teary. but these tears aren't tears of sadness; they are tears of happiness. and hope. tears b/c the end is closer now. and i can see it. i can say, with two months to go...finally, the end is near.

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also, i'm so excited to share that steve is going to be interviewed this tuesday, on san diego's NBC news, at 8:15 AM. for their morning salute segment. about a month ago, i had submitted a photo and a little blurb for the segment and things snowballed from there. they will be interviewing steve, from iraq, while sharing some photos, from EODMU ONE's past five months in iraq. also, i just noticed that they have a photo of the kids and i posted here. i didn't realize this until just now. :-)

i miss him so.

the reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected.- nicholas sparks

i truly believe that steve and i were meant to be.  while we are quite the opposites in some departments, he complements me and completes me. he makes me a better person. he makes my life complete. and as i often share, he's just an amazing person and the most wonderful daddy.  pretty darn handsome too. ;-)

and today, we got to skype with steve. it had been a long time since we last skyped b/c the connection hasn't been so good. it was so wonderful to see him. it was so emotional to see him. i had to fight back the tears quite a few times, especially when i sat back and just watched the kids talk to their daddy.

it's been 4 1/2 months, since steve left, and on march 6th, we'll have *only* two months to go. it's funny when you can say only two months. normally having your husband gone for two months would be a long time, but we're at the point where two months seems rather short and is pretty darn exciting. aye...the things that become normal for us military families.

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the above quote is from "the notebook". i watched it last week and sobbed like a baby. i don't think i've ever cried during a movie as much as i did with "the notebook".  of course, being apart from my husband for so long didn't help.  but truly...a wonderful movie. a wonderful love story. if you haven't seen it, rent it! but have many tissues nearby.

now off to mow the lawn and then straighten up the house. the car could use a bath too but that will have to wait for another day. dinner with max's family tonight...i can't wait to see them.

making the most...of me

make the most of yourself,for that is all there is of you. - ralph waldo emerson

some days i think i have everything all figured out. how i can... do it all. balance it all. keep it all together. and do it well.

then there's the other days, where i'm fussing at my kids, at the computer way too much, have laundry overflowing, the house is a mess and i'm not doing anything very well at all.

and then... then... there's day when PMS hits and i'm on the verge of tears thinking about how i'm not doing one damn thing well at all. my head is in a fog as i try to balance it all and realize that the only thing for sure is that everything is off balance.

will i really be able to keep up with all this? with all i need and long to do? how?

then i deservedly firmly kick myself...

you can do this. you've done it before. you're overwhelmed at the moment but everything will be okay in the end. you're not superwoman. you are NOT superwoman.

at the end of the day today, i remind myself that it's okay to have bad days. and it's okay to cry.

tomorrow... i will do what i need to do most...spend time with my kids. we will go get slurpees. i will take them to the park. the two things they enjoy the most. i won't sit and read my magazines at the park. i will run. i will play. i won't think about all the stuff that lingers to be done. i will have fun and embrace what truly is most important and...how very blessed i am.

anyone can give up...not me!

anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. but to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”- author unknown

always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world. - harriet tubman

over the past few days, i've sent my husband a number of emails--not the pleasant ones about how much we miss him and can't wait to have him home--no, he's been receiving my stressed out emails, sharing the negative information i've been receiving from others about RI's deaf/hard-of-hearing state of being. i was so trying to think positive, especially in the beginning, but when you're hit email after email, call after call, with negative information about the deaf/hard-of-hearing services...it's hard to remain positive (although i still try and do so). a small excerpt from an email today, from someone who currently lives in rhode island:

the school systems in RI are full of corruption and red tape - it's rather tough.

with all my heart, i hope i'm amazingly, wonderfully surprised at how great kiele's school transition goes.

and then... today, i received the following email from my husband (i had emailed him about how f&%#(*@ up things were and that i'm not sure we would be able to go with him to rhode island b/c things were just too hard)...

Well I really didn't know how to reply and waited a day to see if I saw anything else from you. I read your blog and it seems in there like you are still considering moving. It would really, really, really suck to be out there without you and the kids. I know you are stressed about the schools and you might think that I just don't care, but I think everything will be fine out there. I think Kiele is amazing and even in the toughest situations she does amazingly well.

It would be ridiculous for me to be there by myself and have that be the only time in my career (20 some years) where I could have more time at home, enjoying life with my family. I just want to have time hanging out with you guys; I don't want to be sitting there hearing how tough it is in San Diego and all the things I am missing out on. There are a lot of I's in those sentences but it is for us that I say it. I don't think living apart for another year in this kind of situation is a good choice. and like that...everything fell into place. it was exactly what i needed...a roundabout kick in the ass, in my husband's ever so polite way, to get myself refocused.  we're moving this summer. i can do this...for kiele...for our family...and maybe even for other deaf/hard-of-hearing kids in rhode island. i will advocate for what is appropriate, with all my might. and i won't give up. in the end, i will win b/c i'm advocating for what's appropriate, right? how can i not win? i have the strength, the passion and the determination to do this. i can and i will.

++++++

some have emailed me regarding the possibility of living in CT and kiele attending school there. i'm currently investigating that possibility; however, i'm not sure how feasible it is b/c steve's drive to newport would be 1-2 hours (depending on where in CT).

also, i wanted to thank everyone for their friendship and support. so many have gone out of their way to inquire with friends they know in RI, research things on the internet for me, email words of encouragement, etc. thank you. thank you. thank you.

++++++

steve, thank you honey, for being so calm and collected, amidst my stress. thank you for being the most amazing husband and father. thank you for being you...and loving me.  i can't wait till you're back home with us!

our pre-deployment photo, taken a few days before he left:

changing times

your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. and most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. they somehow already know what you truly want to become. everything else is secondary.- steve jobs

have we gone back to the 80s? it's crazy to see the fashions that are on the horizon. mc hammer pants? really? but...they call them harem pants now. it's going to be funny over the next months to see these 80s fashion trends evolve.

what else is changing? well... i've been researching rhode island like a mad woman. internet. emails. phone calls. houses to rent. potential schools. deaf/hard-of-hearing (DHH) services. what i've discovered is that rhode island is way behind the times when it comes to oral DHH. kiele currently receives real-time transcription in her classes (kind of like a court reporter--kiele has a computer, the transcriber has a computer, and then the transcriber types every word that is said in the class...it then feeds real-time to kiele's computer for her to read). i guess you could say it's a bit like closed-captioning on your TV, which we just happen to use 100% of the time in our house. sooo, through my research, i've discovered that no DHH child in rhode island has or has had real-time transcription. i plan on confirming this by inquiring statistics from the special education department via the public records act. what does this all mean? it means that i very well may face quite a bit of resistance, in getting kiele the appropriate services for her DHH needs, if we move to rhode island. i've heard things like,

get your boxing gloves on you're in for a fight you'll most likely end up in court with the district.

i know how to fight the fight, if i have to but the problem is...i don't have the time in rhode island. we're there for ONE year.

is it worth it to do the move? is it worth it to displace the family, to only end up displacing them again in one short year? is it worth it to go to rhode island, where everyone has told me i'm in for a fight to get kiele what's educationally appropriate?

but then i switch gears, when the other side of my brain kicks in, and i think...

is it fair to the little ones to be apart from their daddy for a year (on top of the 7 months they will have just done)? maybe this is how things were meant to be...and i can advocate for the rhode island DHH kids and families, who might not know any different.

i was speaking with one lady in rhode island special education yesterday and after i shared with her that we are a progressive DHH family and that i'm well aware of what is appropriate for kiele's needs and i'm willing to fight for what's appropriate, she sarcastically said:

good for you. maybe you can go into law making while you're here too.

well, she better watch out b/c if i do end up in rhode island...while i might not end up in law making, i will surely advocate for others on what is possible and that they can fight for what is appropriate for their child. and hopefully pave the way and make a difference for others that might not know any different than the DHH ways and thinking that currently exist in the state.

i don't know the answers at the moment. i really have no idea at this point what we will end up doing--staying here or moving to rhode island with steve. i have to sit back for a bit and just digest this all. then i have research some more and digest some more. and i haven't even had the opportunity to talk to steve about all this b/c he's been so busy in iraq. the poor guy just keeps getting my stressed out emails.  it's hard (some days harder than others) but no matter what, i can promise you one thing...i will have given my all and done my best to try and make the best decision for our family.

when you're dead

skyler:  hey mom.  when i'm old and you're dead, can i get two dogs? OMG...i about fell out of my chair. the little ones keep asking me for another dog, which is where the above question stemmed from.  that came shortly after the kids' conversation about who was older--steve or i. it went like this:

kiele: guess who's older. mommy or daddy? skyler: mommy is older b/c she has way more wrinkles. ryder: what's wrinkles? skyler: they're the lines that go down her face. kiele: they're saggy skin, like a bulldog has. ryder: oh, i get it now. me: i don't have that many more wrinkles than daddy. skyler: yes, you do.

the things that they sometimes say...oh. my. gosh! and that skyler, she makes me laugh like no other, which i'm so thankful for.

++++++

i've been having a tough few days. stressed about this and that.  short with my kids.  i'm allowed to, right? i think it's all just getting to me. and i'm damn ready for my husband to be back home now.

my mind is on overdrive, thinking about and working on everything i need to get done.  i'm a bit (just a bit) of a control freak and a perfectionist.  and my mind is flooded with thoughts of...

finding the most appropriate middle school for kiele. finding a house to rent in the same city, where the middle school is. researching DHH services in RI, which involves tons of internet research and many, many phone calls and emails. beginning to get kiele's paperwork ready for transition to new school. trying to get the jeep up for sale. contemplating selling other car, which has over 150K miles. trying to find a new car or two. continuing life at home as both mother and father. struggling to continue cleaning house, as i once did. beginning organizing for the move (practically my whole house ends up in ziploc bags). trying to get kiele new cochlear implant batteries and a charger b/c hers broke.  we're borrowing a battery and charger from a friend right now. trying to do it all, with a husband in iraq, who i can't talk to when i want or need to talk to him

steve would tell me not to worry and stress about all this stuff (if it gets done, it does and if not, that's okay too) and i'm sure he'll be saying exactly that, once he reads my blog, but...when steve gets back, we'll only have about a month before we move. i don't want our month to be consumed by all the above crap and moving is just plain stressful as it is. i want to enjoy my husband's arrival back home.  i want to do nothing except spend time and enjoy one another as a family--a complete family.

and to be completely honest, there will be an adjustment period when steve gets home. and i don't want to make this time--this time of adjustment and reintegration of the deployed person-- any more challenging by worrying about finding a rental, selling cars, etc.  while a military homecoming seems all grand and joyful, the weeks after a homecoming are not as easy as it sounds. sure, initially, it's absolutely amazing but then there's the adjustment and that, my friends, can be a bit difficult, as any military spouse will tell you.

in closing, i leave you with a photo of ryder and our one dog, charley.  

flexibility is the key

 if you are truly flexible...there is really very little you can't accomplish in your lifetime.- anthony robbins

remember how i said, in a previous post, that nothing is firm in the military until orders are in hand (and even then, i can't say that it's 100%). well, the roller coaster continues...

the latest...we're moving this summer, to rhode island for a year (and then who knows after that).  steve will be earning a second masters degree there.  i guess this is pretty firm but, steve still wants to inquire about a fellowship in DC, that was recently announced. he's not sure if he's eligible to apply so he's supposed to call the coordinator on monday. yes!  flexibility...it's one of the major keys in being a military spouse.  that along with lots of strength and understanding.

at one time i had said that there was no way that i would move for only a year...because of kiele's school needs. there's a lot of accommodations that need to be set up for kiele's deaf/hard-of-hearing needs (deaf itinerant teacher, FM system, transcription, etc.) and that takes a lot of time, organization and upfront work. some schools districts are definitely easier than others and i really don't know until i get the ball rolling.  san diego has been one of the best.

but after doing 3 1/2 months of being all and doing all, i'm not sure i could do another year by myself, right after this 7 month deployment. while i consider myself strong and we do just fine...being apart for so long just plain 'ole sucks.

in the end, i've decided that the most important thing for all of us is that we just need to be together.  and i will bust my ass to make sure that kiele gets all the educational accommodations she needs in the classroom.

ETA:  i received this from steve, after i told him that i was excited to go to RI together as a family: That is awesome babe. I am REALLY excited about living together. Love you and looking forward to being home, our cross country trip to Newport, and lots of time at home!   it's just funny to me how we can have such conversations and they are normal. should such a conversation be normal?

and because i think every post needs a photo, here's ryder shooting me, with his preschool-made camera.

missing him

where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you.- edna st. vincent millay

exactly three months to go. may 6th is the date steve is supposed to get back home, although as any military wife knows--you can't really count on that date.

deployments are kind of like labor...you don't really remember the feelings, the emotions, the pain, until you're actually going through it again.  i thought that when i got to this point, it would start getting easier; it would just be smooth sailing.  but it's not. i actually feel like it's getting harder. it's kind of like groundhog day these days. same shit (me doing everything) every day...over and over again.

i miss having my husband here by my side. i miss having my best friend. i miss being able to talk to him whenever i want. i miss being able to talk to him, when i need him. i just plain 'ole miss him. a lot.

steve sent me these unclassified photos the other day and i just keep looking at them over and over again.  sigh.

p.s. steve is the guy without the mustache ;-)