a day of the ride

life is truly a ride.  we're all strapped in and no one can stop it. when the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. as you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang onto that bar in front of you. but the ride is the thing. i think most people can hope for at the end of your life that your hair is messed, you're out of breath and you didn't throw up. - author unkown

yes, yes, yes... it is true. one month. 30 days. one very short month left. until steve is back home. and our family is once again complete.

and with that said, i have so many emotions flooding my head. as i briefly dwell on the six months that has passed, a part of me feels sorry for us, for steve, for all that we missed together...as a family. halloween. our anniversary. thanksgiving. ryder's birthday. christmas. a new year. steve's birthday. kiele's school award. sky stopping wearing night-time pull ups. ryder stopping sucking his thumb. skyler loosing her first tooth. and her second. skyler getting her first school award. and another one. my surgery. easter. kiele's birthday. and that's only the beginning.

and then i remember that it is not what he has missed but about looking forward and being thankful. thankful for so many things. that the time has passed quickly. we are healthy. happy. my husband is safe. that this part of the ride hasn't really been that bad. i have nothing to complain about. and then i feel selfish for even briefly thinking of the things that steve missed...that we missed with him.

so i refocus--think about steve's return and i get butterflies. the time is actually here, the time when i can say with a smile from ear to ear,

my husband is coming home next month!

we will celebrate. enjoy. share. love. laugh. and we will do all of those things...together! but there's a part of me that is scared because while there is immense joy in steve's return, there is also the reality that his return is an adjustment, a reintegration. and that takes time. but with this deployment, our time is cut short and we will move within a month of his return. i try not to stress and worry about this. but the reality is...i do.

yesterday, i tried to talk to steve about our move (do we rent? do we buy? maybe we should just live on post? what school is best for kiele? when do we find the time to visit KS to check things out? do we take the kids on our visit? if not, who will watch them? when will our actual move date be? when do we pack up? etc.) and our conversation ends on a sour note...and it's my fault. frustrated, i cut our conversation short and then couldn't call steve back. no i love you. i miss you. simply,

i think i'm done with this conversation. bye.

i can't apologize. i have to sit and wait. until the next time he calls. i email him with an apology because that is the best i can do. i'm pissed at myself for letting my stress get the best of me. i'm sad that we cannot talk. that i cannot call him back. so deservedly, i wait...and ponder why i acted and reacted the way i did during our conversation.  why i always seem to get so spun up about moving.  i'm mad. at myself. at the situation. i'm frustrated that we're facing one of life's biggest stressors from 8,000 miles away.

so it's back to refocusing, to telling myself... stop worrying. everything will be okay. holy shit...only 30 days left. how exciting. family time. together. and family time is something that our family needs more than anything.

so what can i say about it all.  i'm a mess.  i'm a mess of emotions--excited, stressed, anxious, happy, sad, scared, hopeful, grateful.  

and i can honestly say that at the end of every day, i remind myself that yes, life is a journey. an adventure. a super exciting ride. and i am blessed that my hair is getting pretty damn messy along the way.  that...is a good thing.