from coast to coast...

and somewhere in between.  our next assignment is...tampa, florida!!

so here's the deal -- steve is penciled in for a three year tour at macdill AFB in tampa, FL. however, pencils do have erasers and that's the reality of military assignments. nothing is ever a 100% sure thing, but we are pretty darn sure.  take that for what you will.  that's basically what i do. when steve told me, i was like

are you sure? so does that mean we're actually going? your name is officially attached to that job? it's kind of, sort of a sure thing? you're really sure?!

his reply, right.

one issue is that steve and the other guy's (the one steve is replacing) timing doesn't coincide, so we're not exactly sure when we're moving. best guess is sometime between june and september; however, the kids and i will for sure be there prior to 2010 school starting. the detailer said that he should be able to cut orders for steve (hard copy versus penciled in) the end of january. that will be that much firmer. our plan is to go to tampa during spring break to look for (and hopefully) buy a house.

actually now that i'm typing this...not moving in june would complicate things a bit because we really need to rent our KS house out in june (when the next class arrives). so it would probably be best that the kids and i left in june, even if steve can't.  he would probably just rent an apartment or something until he could assume the job in tampa. aye!

i've already researched schools (the first thing i always do when PCSing) and south tampa has some really great ones, which is a huge relief. i'm not so worried about kiele anymore, since her transcription services are now so well established on her IEP (beyond california).  it will happen. and if by some chance the school chose to challenge kiele's IEP, i'll be in court until kiele receives transcription (without a doubt, we would win!! i really am that confident about it at this point.).

it's crazy that i've lived in: detroit, MI washington DC biloxi, MS tucson, AZ ft walton beach, FL (where i met steve) whidbey island, WA san diego, CA lansing, KS and soon...tampa, FL.

we're super excited, as we've heard nothing but fantastic things about south tampa. normally i would say that i'm dreading the humidity because of my curly hair that i straighten every day, which turns yucky-frizzy-curly in the humidity but...my dreads have pretty much remedied that issue.

in celebration of getting back to the warm and the beach, i share some of my fav beach photos from 2009.

peace!

happy birthday!

happy 5th birthday ryder! oh my gosh...my baby is five.  how did that happen?

ryder, i love you with all i have to love. and seriously cannot believe that my baby is now five and a big boy. thank you for being a good, kind, caring big boy. i love that you have manners and respect adults. i love that teachers share,

he's such a sweet boy.

you engross yourself in make-believe play just as well as your sisters, but with legos, super heroes, cars and playmobil. i could sit here and listen to you play like that for hours.

i can't wait to see where gymnastics takes you. you are strong and powerful and in a class with boys 2-3 years older than you. last monday, i knew you weren't feeling well, when you walked instead of ran your laps. when i asked you if you were okay, you shook your head yes and no, but said that you wanted to continue doing gymnastics. i let you. the minute you came up after the lesson, white as a sheet, i knew something was wrong. and within 30 seconds, you puked everywhere. only to puke again in about 10 feet away and slip and fall in it. while i was mortified that you puked so much, twice, at gymnastics; i was proud that you love gymnastics so much, you wanted to continue on, even when you weren't feeling the best. (although we did have a big long talk that you really shouldn't do gymnastics when you're not feeling so good). :-)

you learned how to ride a bike at 4 1/2 with barely any help. now, you long for a skateboard. and try soccer and football. and we can't wait to watch you do both.

you are an artist just like your sisters and can draw for hours. you write your letters well and are trying to put letters together, to make words. you're ready for kindergarten.

while we transitioned you into your own bed, with our move to KS, you discovered that if you sneak into mom and dad's bed in the middle of the night, mom will move over most of the time. (aye!).

you didn't transition well to the cold weather kansas brought us.  i had to force you to wear long sleeves and pants.  and then for the longest time, you rolled your pants to your knees.  you don't wear socks...ever, which drives me crazy because you have the stinkiest tennies.  most of the time (even in 20 degrees), your coat consists of a hoodie.

your daddy says i spoil you. and i probably do, although i'll never completely admit it.

i am proud of you. i can't wait to see where the next few years take you.

happy, happy birthday big boy!!

p.s. thank you for letting me take five-year-old photos of you.  and thank you for wearing your daddy's shirt from when he was a little boy, for the pictures.  you melt my heart.

+++

on a completely different note...

steve did not make XO.  i know those letters mean nothing to most non-military, but let's just say XO is kind of like the next step for one day becoming a commander.  what does that mean?  it means that steve will not be an explosive ordnance disposal (EOD) commander and instead will follow a different track; it kind of opens the doors to other paths in the navy.  many believe that this is a great thing--more options, less deployments, less time away from the family.

we're hoping to find out more about steve's assignment options next week.  some places that steve has mentioned are staying here another year, san diego and tampa.  BUT, we could very, very, very well end up going to somewhere completely different.  i think after steve talks to the detailer (the assignment man) next week, he should have some specific choices.

this phase of not knowing is tough. i really just want to know.

together

the ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.- maya angelou

this amazing woman took our family's photos this past saturday.  i can't even begin to express how much i treasure my own family's photographs...how special i think these photos are!!  i photograph so many others and often, by the end of the year, i'm wondering if i'll have my own family photos to cherish.  i've only seen two so far from our session...and i love, love, love them.

and you see ryder's smile?  yep, that really is his camera smile.  i've completely warped my son, to the point that he doesn't know what the heck to do with his mouth anymore, in front of the camera.  and so, i adore this shot even more--with all of us smiling, in our own unique way.

++++++

the other day, i visited cheryl jacob's blog and read this...

every time you photograph someone, you tell them,

you're important enough to remember. make the most of it.

how profound is that statement?!!  just think about it!  something i want to share with every one of my clients.

most of you know...i greatly admire and respect cheryl jacobs! she is the one, who in the beginning of my photography journey, offered me confidence and pushed me to move forward. she encouraged me that it's okay to be different; it's okay to be myself. cheryl is one mad talent, not only with photography, but also with words.  if you don't know her, you should definitely check her out.  and she's all film.  love her!

++++++

then i moved to my good friend|photographer|military spouse's blog (we were stationed together and friends pre-photography) and read this: knowledge is power. both our husbands are explosive ordnance disposal officers. both are up for the same career promotion. both our husbands are two of the hardest working naval officers i know. both our husbands feel the same about the whole promotion thing, as so eloquently shared in shawn's blog.

steve should find out if he was picked up for executive officer|XO in the next couple weeks. once we know that, plans will begin for steve's next assignment. options vary greatly, depending on whether steve makes XO or not, which is why we have to wait for the board results. we're hoping to find out our next assignment in january or february. to move again in june.

most of the time, i try not to go to that place...of moving again. i bury it in the back of my mind because thoughts of moving are accompanied by anxiety. but tomorrow, we have prospective renters coming to view our house. and so, the buried thoughts are trying to surface. and i'm trying hard to push them back where they belong, for now. it's a tough battle, but i think i'm winning.

each and every day... i think about how grateful i am that we did this move together, as a family!! it was so very, very close to not happening. and every day, i remind myself to cherish and focus on this amazing day...today!

remembering 9/11: eight years ago

i got the idea for this blog post from her blog post today. eight years ago today... i was a nurse in the air force, assigned to eglin air force base, in florida. but at the time of september 11th, 2001, i was at a school (temporary duty) in texas. it was a normal class day, mostly boring lecture, when all of a sudden, the instructor was pulled out of our class. when he returned, he informed us that a plane had just hit one of the towers of the world trade center. being in the military, we were used to these kind of exercises. well not exactly this kind, but we were used to military exercises. but then the instructor went on to tell us that we were to all go back to our hotel rooms. we were to stay in our rooms, near a phone and wait for further instructions.

ummm. okay. that does not happen during an exercise. what's going on here?

and then we realized that this was not a drill; this was really happening. the united states was under attack. we asked a lot of questions, which the instructor really had no answers to. and then we were released from class, until further notice. a bunch of classmates and i all gathered in one room, glued to the television. in disbelief of what was happening and scared of what was yet to come.

on this day eight years ago, almost 3,000 people were killed.  let us never forget them and the heroic efforts of our country.

this is me, sometime around 2001-02, stationed at eglin air force base.

thinking about san diego

it's weird moving like we do--here, there and everywhere. we just go where and when we're told. a life that we're rather accustomed to. i consider ourselves so blessed to have lived in san diego for the 4 1/2 years that we did--miles of beaches, beautiful weather, the convenience of pretty much anything and everything.  what more could a person ask for, right?

but returning there this past weekend made me a bit sad. and frustrated. of course, i didn't seem to notice any of these things, while living there, but who does... the crowds and crowds and crowds of people. the excessive 2 PM traffic, which only gets worse as the day goes on. the begging homeless on street corner after street corner. the graffiti that seems to be everywhere you turn. the trash, which lines so many streets and highways. the overwatering, even in a time of severe drought, in an attempt to keep the naturally existing brown at bay. the high cost of everything--from groceries, to gas, to houses.

while we lived in san diego, i closed my eyes to all of the these things and just considered myself damn lucky to live there.  i mean really...why would anyone want to dwell on the negative aspects of the place they call home?  but moving all around allows us to see the positive, negative, beauty and uniqueness of each location.

and in this part of kansas we're currently living, it's so green--full of land and fields.  tons of space and little to no traffic.  things move slower out here, something i've been working to embrace (despite my speeding ticket a couple days ago).  and maybe it's for those exact reasons that i seemed to hone in on these other aspects of san diego, when i was visiting.

i once thought that san diego would be one of the places we would consider retiring (if we could even afford it), but i'm not so sure. to be honest, i have absolutely no idea where we'll one day settle.  i actually panic a bit when i think about calling a single location home, for more than a few years, which is why sailing the americas for a year or two after steve retires from the navy is so enticing!

and please don't get me wrong...san diego took really great care of us for 4 1/2 years and for that i'm so thankful. without a doubt, we will continue to visit over the years...and simply continue to ignore all those other aspects of san diego, as i'm sure so many tourists do!

sharing a couple shots from my san diego sessions last weekend...

art of photography show opening reception gala

art of photography show opening reception galathis saturday, august 29th, 6-9 PM lyceum theatre, san diego

they say there is going to be over 1000 people attending this event, so it's suggested to arrive close to 6 PM.

all the details, including directions to the show, can be found here.

needless to say, i'm so excited and honored to have my photograph selected for this international exhibition. to be a part of this most amazing group of artists is beyond words.

if you go to the show's main page, you can see my photograph along with a few other images, as part of a sampling of the art of photography 2009 show.

i'm so excited i could scream!!  hope to see you there.

powerful

last night, steve and i watched taxi to the dark side, a 2007 oscar winning documentary about US interrogation policies in iraq and afghanistan.  the documentary is incredibly powerful, sad and sometimes even difficult to watch!  it's amazing how much research went into the movie.  and to think that no officer or administrative official got hammered in that whole deal is absolutely mind-blowing. and today, i watched this online documentary, sent to me by my partner in crime, from my air force nursing days at eglin AFB.  the documentary is about a group of US soldiers deployed to the wardak province, afghanistan, in early 2009 (my guess is that these same guys are still there). some of the scenes captured in this documentary are incredible...and powerful.  if you have a free half-hour, it's definitely worth the watch.  the link was accompanied by the following email message, from steve in afghanistan (not my steve; i have no idea who this person is or his association with the military).

As you read futher and open the link below you will find 8 thumbnail pictures across the top of the page.  Simply click on each thumbnail for a suberb presentation of life in Afghanistan for our troops. Even though it is in a totally different environment and as much as 35 plus years later, I swear that  most of the attitudes and comments are the same as those expressed in Viet Nam.  I imagine that the same could be said by anyone serving during Operation Desert Storm, Iraq, Korea, WWII, or any if the other armed conflicts that we have been involved

--------------------------------------

Hi All, Having worked with nearly 100 reporters during my time here in Afghanistan, I have seen a lot of good products (and not so good products) come out.  Simply put, the mission of my soldiers and I is to "tell the soldier's story."  And this product here, without question, is something I wish every American and Canadian could see.

Several months ago we brought in a film crew from the Associated Press and embedded them with our soldiers in Wardak province.  They have produced an unbelievable documentary that I'm sending you the link to.  I know that I send out a lot of stories about life here, but if you look at only ONE thing, make it this.

The film crew embedded down to the lowest level, the "soldiers being soldiers" level.  This is a web documentary in which it shows soldiers, raw and unvarnished, without an officer in sight.  They swear and they bitch yes...but they, far better than I do, tell the story of the fight here and why it matters.

There are 8 sections, each a couple of minutes long, each focusing on a different theme:  sacrifice, their thoughts on Afghanistan and the world, facing death, why we fight, and what life is like here every day.  The images they capture are extremely moving and powerful:   villagers bringing soldiers cups of tea, children, soldiers on patrol in the mud and searching villages for weapons caches, and what it's like living in a smelly tent for 12 months where you shower only every few weeks and where friend and enemy look the same.

It is, quite simply, as close as you can get to being here without being here.

I don't think I have ever asked anyone to ever forward anything along to the people on your own distro lists.  But this is a first:  if you are as moved as I am by this documentary, I ask you to forward it on.  So many people ask, "what is life like as a soldier?"  This is without a doubt the best answer I could ever give after nearly 18 years in the Army. Steve

associated press' wardak soldiers online documentary

finding my place

and above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. those who don't believe in magic will never find it.- roald dahl

yep, started another three or four blog posts, only to go no further than more saved drafts. seems to be the trend lately.  and just seems to be how things are rollin' these days.

i am really working to find my place in so many ways--as a wife, a mother, a photographer and flat out just find my place in general.

not long ago, steve was separated from us, deployed to iraq for seven months. and for about a year prior to that, his average time getting home from work was around 7 or 8 PM. now...he's home all the time and many days by 1 PM. and we are parents together, working as a team. i am no longer the (temporary) single parent making all the decisions for my children; my role is and equal half of the parenting equation. i went from being crazy busy in san diego with my business, to being here in kansas and well...not crazy busy.  i know...everyone's probably thinking,

hey stupid, that's awesome. wake up. what is there to think about or ponder or find?  it's right in front of your face.  grab it.  tightly.  and hold it with everything you have because before you know it, it will be gone and you'll be begging to have it back.

yes, i know. i know. i know. i know. i get it. but with post-deployment, there comes a phase of reintegration or a readjustment period. and beyond the standard post-deployment reintegration bit, we added a move across country to the mix and a daughter, who has been away from us (with her dad) all summer.

believe me, i'm grateful as can be...but this is all still a pretty big adjustment. i know my fellow military spouses are nodding their head in agreement--they've been there and they get it. while my best guess is that the non-military folks are thinking i'm a bit off in my thinking and maybe even a bit crazy.

i absolutely love my husband and have to say he's the greatest husband and father ever. i'm thankful that he's home and for this time we're getting to spend with him. but, like i said (over and over again)...it's an adjustment.

i know that this is time we won't see again (until steve retires) and i'm working hard to realize that it's okay to slow down and not be crazy busy with life and well...simply embrace and cherish this time we have together, with every morsel in my body.

i guess in the end, i just i feel like i'm in a really weird place right now. everything has changed and i'm trying to understand how i fit in amongst that change.

so many thoughts

very little is needed to make a happy life;it is all within yourself... in your way of thinking. - elisabeth kubler-ross

i'm not kidding when i say that i've rewritten this blog post three times today...and i had started and saved at least five different blog posts last week that never got published. so many thoughts running through my head, but none of those thoughts have made it farther than a blog draft thus far. but today is the day...to publish no matter what!

first, let me share that i'm back on the wagon--not the 'i'm going to abstain from drinking' wagon but the 'i'm going to get back in shape and not be so squishy' wagon. i was pretty much feeling crappy the past few weeks...really crappy. i had stopped working out a couple months before steve got home because i got too busy with work (photography). then i embraced steve's return and continued to not workout. a month later, we relocated and here we are--no more excuses--just feeling very "fluffy", as one of my dear friends says. it didn't matter how much i weighed; i knew i was fluffy and i felt like shit. a week ago, i committed that i'd get back on the wagon and begin working out. so i've been following a daily routine, alternating cardio and weight training. while i'm certain i haven't lost a pound and i'm not any less fluffy at this point, i'm standing taller and walking prouder already. i am determined!!

++++++

i've also done a bunch of business thinking this week--ordered new business postcards, new business cards, and worked on a portfolio book. this morning, i began a blog post about my endeavors to market, in an effort to get clients while here in KS. by afternoon, i had decided that i'm not going to do any hard core marketing while here.  instead, i'm going to use the next 11 months to hard core spend time with my family and shoot a bit (or maybe a lot) for me--personal work. i already have a few project ideas in mind, projects that actually having been keeping me up at night lately.

one of these days (soon) i'm going to feel settled enough to get back shooting.  it's been a nice break but i really do miss my camera time.

if interested, you can preview (and even order a copy of) my portfolio book here. designing and sharing a book of your work, even if self-published, is always exciting. while the book started as a deb schwedhelm photography portfolio book accompanied by inspirational quotes...in the end, i decided to just let the photographs speak for themselves.  i hope you enjoy! :-)

we're not in san diego anymore

i've rewritten this post about 10 times now. and keep deleting it because i don't want to come across as whiney. but shoot, maybe that's exactly what i'm being...just plain ole whiney. and if that's the case, let me apologize in advance and warn you to read at your own risk. we're almost completely settled now and the chaos is coming to a close. just some paperwork to file and a few pictures left to hang (oh...and a fence to build, an unfinished room to finish and a yard to landscape). but i've determined that the chaos was good for me. during all the move crap, i didn't really have to think...just do. and now that the moving chaos has parted--for the most part--and the thinking has resumed, i'm really missing my friends. i'm really missing san diego.  i could go on and on about the things that i miss...but i won't.  i think i'm already whining enough.

i keep trying to convince myself of the joys of this one-year adventure...here in KS. some days, i need no real convincing at all. other days, i can't seem to find much joy in this place...and feel rather lonely. i guess that's what naturally happens when one moves but...we do it so often (every 18-24 months). and then of course, in the back of my mind is the fact that we're only here for 11 months. and frankly, that's just damn hard.

but! but! but!

whining aside, i have to say...i'm so thankful for my friend gwenn. having she and her family here has made this transition a million times easier and that's really why i feel i have no right to be whiney or ever feel lonely. i absolutely adore gwenn and her family! our kids have a blast together and...they only live five miles away.

gwenn and i were air force nurses together back in 1998-99. we were besties back then and have always kept in touch through the years. not in our wildest dreams (okay, maybe in our wildest) did we ever think we'd be stationed together again (her dh is an air force pilot and steve is an explosive ordnance disposal officer). but somehow--here we are, together at an army assignment (ft leavenworth's command and staff college). how meant to be is that? yep, kind of crazy how it all worked out and i tell ya, i'm so fricken thankful. i often wonder how different--how lonely-- things would have been without gwenn being here.

through the many assignments, across many miles, i have some of the most amazing friends a girl could dream for--and i am so incredibly thankful for my friends!

i close with some photos from this past weekend--a day spent together, my family and gwenn's, at lake perry, kansas.

love ya gwenn. truly, i don't know what i'd do without you.

p.s. can you tell that our kids play hard! p.s.s. i lied--we still have an entire basement to organize, to include kiele's room (she returns from being with her dad for the summer, on august 9th). still not quite chaos though.

getting situated

we're in our home and getting situated.  days have been stressful...because moving is stressful. haven't felt like blogging, shooting or much of anything...except settling. frankly, i think moving just sucks.  and when you know it's for only 11 months, it sucks that much more. i'm one of those people, whose house must be settled for life to feel settled...for life to continue as it once did, but now in a new and different location.  and while i'm definitely getting closer, i'm not quite there yet. in saying all that, i know i shouldn't be this way, but i am. and i tell myself on a regular basis to just chill out! and before i'm done whining...let me share about kansas city time warner cable. first, a contracted company comes to set up our cable...but didn't.  well he did, but after being here for over 2 1/2 hours, he left without our internet and cable working properly.  our internet is dial-up slow and we can't even use our cable box due to the signal being so low.  the cable was placed across our backyard, over our fence and across a city walking path, which is posing a safety hazard to the numerous walkers, runners and bikers, who daily use the path.  and to top the situation off...time warner has been a no-show for the past five days, even after talking to a time warner at least five times a day (and a supervisor yesterday and today).  i've sat here, day after day, waiting and waiting and calling and calling. un-fucking-believable.

++++++

just when i'm feeling a lot frustrated and a bit sorry for myself, i pause from my blogging to go visit a few of my regular blogs. i almost always start with my friends, who are battling cancer: max's team sam's kirsten sandstrom's

i also know that reading these blogs will provide me with a much needed reality check. today, i went to sam's first, as i know his health has been very up and down lately. his led me to super ryan's blog, whose i've visited on occasion in the past.

OH MY GOSH!

how can i really think i'm having a bad week or feel sorry for myself, even in the slightest?!!

this family is not only losing a child to cancer, but they just lost their mother/wife to cancer a couple days ago. this family's pain must be truly unbearable. i can't imagine...absolutely cannot imagine.

++++++

let me always realize how very blessed i am...how very blessed my family is. let me realize that the "stressful, trying" times really aren't stressful or trying at all. dammit, let me realize that i don't have a single thing to feel sorry for myself about.  let me realize!

dear room 812

the bumps in the road just make the ride more fun.- author unknown

this morning, when we got back from breakfast, we returned to a note slipped under our door, which went something like this:

your dog has been barking for the past 1/2 hour. we were going to stay at this hotel another day and night but now we can't. we would like you to pay for our room. 812

yes, the front desk had called us, while at breakfast (luckily we had just finished). are you in room 810? yes. we got a call about your dog barking. okay. we're on our way up and we're leaving today. sorry about that.

at first, i was angry about the note and my initial reaction was to write in large bold letters, hell no. pay for your own room.

but then i pulled myself together and thought rationally for a bit and in my neatest writing, i replied: dear room 812 please accept my apologies for our dog barking for the past 1/2 hour, while we were at breakfast. he normally doesn't do that. i wish you would have called the front desk earlier because as soon as you did, we returned immediately back to the room.

we're a military family forced to move across country and therefore, forced to travel with our dog--not by choice!!!!

please feel free to stay in your room another night without the risk of listening to our dog bark, as we are checking out this morning. thank you for your understanding and again, please accept my apologies.

sincerely, the family in room 810

i walked two doors down the hallway and gently and quietly slipped the note under the door of room 812. and off we went, traveling the last leg of our journey to kansas. ++++++

so here i sit, in kansas. it's all still a bit surreal and hot and humid as shit. we're in a wonderful two-bedroom hotel room for the next week until our house closes on the 29th and we are able to get in it. our household goods are scheduled to be delivered on the 30th.  it's funny how being in the same hotel room for one whole week has us feeling rather settled.

++++++

we definitely experienced our fair share of bumps in the road along the way, nothing terrible but bumps none-the-less, to include the above dog-barking-nastygram.

we started our journey last wednesday morning, with two cars packed to the brim, the little ones in the back seat armed with their ipod movies and a pre-medicated carsick dog, sitting in a $100 elevated doggy booster seat, shivering like a cartoon character.

our first stop was orange, CA. i know. not far. but i had to say good-bye to one of my dearest friends ever--leah. we hung out for a couple hours--the kids playing and us doing our normal stuff--as if it was just another day. and then it was time to say good-bye and i cried like a baby. i will miss leah and her family so.  but the great thing as that most of our friendship took place on the phone and that...will not change!

then it was on to sedona for two days. took a jeep tour on sedona's scenic rim.  steve and i loved it.  the kids were bored and ryder ended up with a stomach ache from all the bouncing around.  oh yea.  we also got to see kelly ripa and her family in our hotel's restaurant. as we were leaving the restaurant, she and family were entering. of course, i had to go up to her and confirm that it was her. after she confirmed, i said, i bet you just want everyone to leave you alone so you can enjoy your dinner in peace. yea, she replied, with an isn't that obvious look in her eyes. and that was it. but man is that family H-O-T!

after sedona, we travelled to albuquerque, to visit one of steve's brothers and his fiance. we rode the albuquerque tram, did some hiking and had a wonderful dinner with T and M. the next morning, all loaded in the car and ready for the next leg of our trip (albuquerque to denver), the wagon wouldn't start. no noise. nothing. dead. and then...no jumper cables.

that's okay, i thought, i'll just ask the front desk for jumper cables.  sure, they had jumper cables in the van but the van wasn't due back for another 30 minutes. so i kindly asked the man, who was loading up his van, if he has any cables and thankfully he did. that did the trick and we were off to find a new battery before doing the eight hour trip. steve knew where a sears was so we stopped there first. they didn't carry the right battery for the wagon and recommended the volvo dealership, which we never ended up finding. so steve suggested that we just press on to denver and get a new battery there.  and we did.

that was when i discovered that our carsick dog is also afraid of windshield wipers. every time the wipers went, he cowered like it was a monster running across the windshield. eventually, because it rained so much, he got used to it.

our first stop in CO was pueblo.  a quick lunch with another of steve's brothers and then on to denver.  our hotel (the curtis) was super cool but our room was on the 8th floor--not very fun with a dog.  at one point (i don't remember why), the kids and i went to the room without steve and when i opened the door, the dog bolted out and ran as fast as his little legs would take him down the hall.  giggling and yelling for charley, the kids bolted after him. there i stood, in a fluster, hollering for the little ones to get back into the hotel room, hoping charley would follow. in the end, it was all pretty hilarious (to everyone except room 812).

we spent two days in denver. the first night, we went out with cheryl nicolai and hubby, while her older kids babysat the little ones in the hotel room. at the end of the night, i went to pay but cheryl beat me to it. and that's when it must have happened. in the morning, i woke up and no credit card. how the hell did i lose my credit card when i never even paid for anything? after looking at the restaurant, the bar and in CJ's car...it was officially declared gone and i proceeded to cancel the darn thing.

and the car battery...steve did end up finding a battery in denver. he emptied everything out of the back of the volvo wagon (b/c that's where the battery is), only to realize that he needed tools to remove the battery. he loaded everything back into the wagon and ended up getting the right tool from the front desk--thank goodness.

had an awesome lunch cooked by chef bob (CJ's husband) and a chilled night, as we prepared for our final leg, to kansas city.

after an 8-hour drive today, we arrived safely in kansas city around 7 PM. and here i sit. thankful that it is done and trying hard not to think about the fact that we'll be doing this all over again in less than a year. my best guess is that we'll end up with an assignment back to san diego or VA. hopefully we'll have that answer by january.

sorry no photos with this post but i'm just too darn tired to get photos off my phone.  and i hope that this post makes sense, as i'm too tired to re-read.

welcome home

i still can't believe it.  and am excited beyond words.  this photograph, entitled welcome home, was selected into the art of photography show, in san diego.

out of 15,000 entries, from 57 countries, only 111 photographs were selected by judge, charlotte cotton.

i found out while en route to kansas, but waited to post until i could get my hands on the image, to accompany the post.  while it's such an incredible honor to have any image chosen for the art of photography show, having this specific image selected means even that much more.  yep, still can't believe it!

the opening reception is august 29th, at the lyceum theatre in san diego.   my plan is to return to san diego that weekend, to attend the gala.  i'm incredibly excited...and so hope i will get to see a bunch of my friends, clients, peers and colleagues, while there.

i am simply amazed at how incredible this photography journey has been.  i am blessed!

boho loveliness

boho girl (aka denise, of boho photo) and i talked months and months ago about getting together and swapping photo sessions. both of us busy--me managing temporarily single momness and her raising their new baby boy. the months passed and before i knew it, we were preparing for our move to kansas, with no further discussion of photo session swaps. but then, the end of may...boho girl emailed me about the exchange. i know you're busy and leaving, but is there any way that we could do this for one another soon?!?

knowing it was just she and i to coordinate and that i adored her blog loveliness, i said yes. surely we could figure something out, right?! and we did...this past weekend. very, very early in the morning. just she and i, being girls and doing this for one another.

when we met, i was nervous...amazed that this awesome artist (of mainly incredible and talented women) wanted me to photograph her. it's always incredibly flattering when another artist asks you to photograph them, but this was boho girl wanting me to photograph her, just her--as a woman, a writer, an artist. but i dug deep, to find the confidence to capture her, just as she hoped and dreamt.

in the end, it turned out to be easy because boho girl is incredible. her body screams with goodness, strength, beauty and confidence. just being around her makes me happy. and makes me want more of her.

and then it was my turn, to be in front of the camera. i had contemplated at least 100 times about canceling but i knew it was something i needed to do. and i'm so thankful i did. boho girl helped me see my own beauty--something i have always struggled with. not good enough. not pretty enough. not thin enough. not smart enough. the list goes on. but boho girl made me feel comfortable in my own skin.  boho girl made me feel beautiful.  and gave me photos of myself that i will forever treasure.

boho girl needed me. and i needed her. i know our paths were meant to cross and our photo sessions meant to happen.  i'm thankful for it all.  deeply thankful.

i leave you with some photos of boho girl and a special photo of me, taken by boho girl, where i feel she captured the essence of who i am and how i feel.

love you boho girl. and while our friendship has only just begun, i know it will continue to bloom--a special and forever friendship, for sure! xo. me

there's no place like home

i long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever i find myself.- maya angelou

well, i survived the two birthday parties last weekend.  and now we're on the brink of another weekend.  how did that happen?  another week came and went and i didn't keep up very well. damn. and now, only 11 days remain for us here in san diego.

but, but, but! the super exciting news of the moment... after a few counters back and forth, we are in contract for this house (photo taken by realtor, not me).  

yep, we are.  if all goes through with our pre-approved loan, we will live in this home by the end of the month.  our home. together in kansas.  even if it's only for a year.  no wait...11 months. it will be ours, all ours.  after that, we will rent it.  to others, just like us--but not as daring or risky or crazy enough--to buy, when only living there for umm...less than a year.  you see, my husband has this entrepreneurial spirit and that includes real estate investing. one day, he'll even own a laundromat...so he continues to share with me.

i nod my head, yes honey.  but you watch.  he will.  i guess that means i will too.

so hell yea to 2500 square feet, four bedrooms, three full bathrooms, a two-car garage and hopefully a linen closet (forgot to check on that). and we will say good-bye to a 1500 square feet of house that has been good to us and taken care of us for the past 3 1/2 years (we've actually been here 4 1/2 years but cat pee, gopher, rat, maggot and fly infestation (left to us by the previous home owners) caused our relocation from our first san diego house, after a year).

we will miss you dear betty street house.  you have taken such good care of us and left us with so many wonderful memories.  and i thank you for that.

it's definitely true

life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.- bernice johnson reagon yes it's true...we are moving to kansas. together. as a family. complete. whole.  all five of us.  i swear this time.  there's no turning back.  or even looking back.

we'll be leaving san diego around june 18th and arriving in kansas the end of june, making a few stops here and there along the way (providing our carsick dog can tolerate it).

this whole journey has been interesting and i have to say that the support and encouragement from friends...and strangers (via blog comments and emails) has had a huge impact on me. huge! it has helped me see. and feel. and believe.  and i thank you from the bottom of my heart.

++++++

i haven't shot much lately. no...i haven't shot at all. a bit paralyzed by life's present chaos.   but i'm thankful.  thankful because most of the time, this paralysis fronts itself as a numbing sensation, rather than a true paralysis. but at times, the paralysis does become so severe, it wakes me at night--unable to breathe or swallow.  while only lasting a couple seconds, when it consumes my body, the seconds seem more like minutes.  and then...the paralysis weens and the numbing resumes.

but this weekend, we are celebrating two birthdays--kiele turning 12 (sleepover party on saturday) and skyler turning 6 (princess party at a salon on sunday)--and i will shoot. i also have a special (girl) date this wednesday and we are going to play....we're going to play with film. and i'm going to shoot something i've had in mind for the beach series. i'm excited to chat. to breathe. to share. to dream. to play.

so here's to breaking this feeling of paralysis, believing in myself and wishing for a helluva adventure in kansas.

dream a dream. wish a wish. set it free. trust your heart. just believe.

sometimes i really wish i was a superhero

we can't really relate to a superhero, but we can all identify with the person, who in times of crisis, draws forth some extraordinary quality from within himself and triumphs, but only after a struggle.- adapted from timothy dalton

yesterday, i confirmed to steve that we [the kids and i] were staying here in san diego, while he attended CGSC in KS.  and while not saying much, he nodded with agreement.  this morning, i awoke to a few more blog comments and by 6:30 AM, confirmed that we should go with him to KS and i will make things work for kiele.  i feverishly and passionately completely switched gears and contacted the leavenworth school district, forwarded kiele's IEP, researched houses for sale in KS and ended up in contact with the KS deaf itinerant teacher, who is supposed to be calling kiele's CA deaf itinerant teacher today.  it all seemed to happen in an instant.  without my thinking.  in a blur.

it just happened. just. like. that.

and now, the only thing that is certain is that my husband must think i'm nuts and beyond frustrated with me and my confirmed wishy-washiness.  i've pretty much been in tears every day.  a lump in my throat.  completely sick to my stomach.  this decision sucks.  moving for one year isn't easy for a 7th grader period.  moving for a year is that much more challenging, with a 7th grader with special needs.  i say that and then simultaneously remind myself that i've NEVER made excuses for kiele and her disability...and have always taught her that she is just like everyone else and anything and everything is possible for her.  and well, i guess that should include a one-year move to KS, right?!  damn it...if it were only that easy.  but maybe it is. this, my friends, is what i battle with minute-by-minute, day-by-day.

and then this afternoon, i went to my google reader and read this, by boho girl (one of my favorite blogs)--

Yesterday I walked around quietly and in mindfulness that all of the hard work. All the pain. All of the weeping. All of the tear soaked pillows. All of the confusion. The unanswered questions. The fear. The longing. The aching of a wounded heart. All of it has purpose in my life now. The idea that our pain, our trials are present in our life not only to help mold us into our most beautiful and true selves but to help others do the same, is humbling me to the core.

Sometimes in our pain or in our stories, we feel so isolated and alone. But our stories aren't just about us. Our stories are happening for others to learn from, love from, grow from and with this knowledge, it gives us more purpose. And with this purpose, we have more reason to keep going.

I'm going to keep it simple today and just say that...because that is enough to move mountains in our lives. In my life. Truly.

Today I marinate in the serenade of life purpose.

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maybe this is exactly the path i'm supposed to be on--the path i'm meant to pave. could it be that my journey is to open doors in other states for DHH children? am i just scared to knock those doors down and follow that rocky path? am i just preferring to continue down the path that has become comfortable versus taking the rocky road i'm truly meant to be on?

and i do believe that this story goes beyond me, which is why i continue to share, through my own personal struggles and frustrations.  i know that there's others (military families, families with special needs children and who knows who else) that can benefit from these struggles.  and frankly, while i like to sometimes think that i'm supermom and can do it all...i'm not and i can't.  i'm just me...trying to get through life and be the best i can be.

no matter what happens, i promise you this...i will stay strong and i will keep going.  whether in CA or KS, i will draw from within, use my own personal superhero(ish) qualities and be triumphant in the end. i promise you...i will!

thanks boho girl... i thank you for saying exactly what i've been thinking...and trying to say myself (even though our stories are so very different).   love you. let us marinate!

follow your heart

follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. ask questions, then feel the answer. learn to trust your heart.- author unknown

follow your heart. how do you want your kids to remember you, when you had to deal with adversity? it's one small year out of the rest of your life. you can do this. have faith.

...only a few of the words of support that have recently been shared with me, as we continue to discuss, plan, flip-flop, consider and reconsider.

even though i shared that it was official that steve is going to KS by himself, we still have one more day of hope--as steve is calling tomorrow to tell the landlord if he's renting or not (steve had found a rental house and gathered two other geo-bachelor roommates, to live together in town). so my mind has been absolutely consumed with thoughts regarding should we stay...should we go. trying to figure out what's right. what is best.  and making myself sick with scenarios. 

is it possible that my heart could be split in two--a side that believes it's best to stay and the other that believes it's best to go--each side beating equally as strong, but in complete opposite directions. and are my heart and gut one in the same?

i've never quite felt this way. just sick with not knowing. i wish i could simply follow my heart. i wish it was that easy. but it's not. steve and i talk to one another about the situation multiple times a day. and talk with the kids, that we're still having a hard time deciding. we're open with them...that this is hard.  really, really hard.

i close with a quick polaroid i took of steve and the little ones yesterday.

preparing for kansas

it's official. steve will be attending command and general staff college, at fort leavenworth KS, as a geo-bachelor.  i took this shot of him today, while he was looking for housing options in KS.

this has been one of the most difficult decisions we have had to make--having our family be apart again, for another year, after having just finished a 7-month deployment. having our family apart by our choice.  this journey of ours has been an emotional roller coaster filled with ups and downs...frustration and tears, to say the least. one minute we're excitedly ready to put an offer on a house in kansas...the next, i'm in tears and steve is going to kansas by himself.

i have read, re-read and taken to heart every comment, email, suggestion, etc. that others have offered. and i thank you! yesterday, i was able to get a second and third opinion from two special education lawyers--both agreed that the best thing is to ensure that there is no break in kiele's receipt of transcription services. and both agreed that home-schooling kiele for that one year would raise many difficulties, at the school that kiele would attend after kansas. steve also explained our situation to the detailer (the assignment coordinator) and there is no way that his orders can be changed, at this point.

one thing that has been mentioned a few times is asking the kids what they want.  have i done that?  no, i can't say i have.  if this was a normal situation, i would...but it's hard for adults to understand kiele's schooling situation, let alone children (12, 6 and 4 years old).  i also choose not to put that burden on them.  i even struggle with the fact that i don't want kiele to feel that she is breaking up our family because it's for her DHH schooling services, so i am very cautious about what i say and how i say it.  even when discussing things with steve, i shared with him that i don't want him to resent me because of this.  his reply, i would never.  and i don't want kiele's schooling to get screwed up because of a move to KS and it be my fault.

so you can see, it's emotional and complicated. and well...we are the adults/parents and some decisions are ours to make. while i do believe that the input of my children is so important, i think this situation goes beyond what they can completely grasp and/or comprehend.

++++++

but the one thing i still struggle with is this--steve contacted the ft leavenworth housing office to inquire about geo-bachelor housing. yes they have it, but for a price--an unfurnished house on base for $1500/month. WHAT THE HELL? oh yes, three guys can room together, but that's still $500/month per guy. and what about furnishings? remember, these guys would all be geo-bachelors, with their families elsewhere.  we have some extra stuff that we'll send with steve (a mattress, a table, a grill, etc.) but still...i just don't get it. in the past (when i was in the air force), geo-bachelors would be given a room with a bed, bathroom, dresser, TV and kitchenette for free (kind of like a dorm room). of course, we get no extra money for being apart. we just have to spend a shitload more, that's all.

and the one thing that might just throw me over the edge is if steve gets to his next assignment, after kansas, and has to deploy right away. if that happens, i very well might have to start taking some prescribed happy drugs. that...would throw me over the edge.

++++++

this whole thing is just so damn hard. hard to let go of that dream of being complete, for another year. that dream of having our family together again. i'm working hard to get over the lump in my throat, the knots in my stomach, the tears that randomly well in my eyes, to begin focusing on the positive--we are healthy, we are strong, we will be able to talk daily and hopefully see each other monthly.

mid june, we will drive with steve to kansas, making a family vacation out of the trp. we will hopefully stay with steve for 2-3 weeks. after that, we will hopefully see steve one weekend a month and all holidays. in december, we're thinking that we'll take a kick-ass trip to new zealand (somewhere fantastic) because...damn it, we deserve it.

questions...and answers

first i wanted to thank everyone for all the support and encouragement that has come our way. thank you.  thank you.  along with this support, a number of questions have been asked, so i thought i'd answer them below.   ++++++

all in all, this whole thing just fucking sucks. i'm constantly trying to convince myself that this decision is the right one. but it's hard. so very hard. and ultimately, this decision...it ends up being my decision and that weighs very heavy on my shoulders. while steve and i discuss everything, i'm the one that does kiele's educational advocating, etc...steve says that whatever i decide, he fully supports. but in the end, he would really love our family to be together. and i know that. and that makes me very, very sad :-(

often while fighting back tears, these questions flood my mind over an over again-- how does one child's educational needs trump everything else? what about the little one's emotional needs? and their need to be with their daddy? and his need to be with us? am i doing a good enough job as a temporary single mother? what am i doing to steve? is he going to resent me for this decision? is it fair to our family? am i letting my own fear get the best of me? am i letting the system beat me? am i giving up and breaking up my family? what the hell is happening here? what have i done?

i'm still numb. and in denial. every now and then things surface and i well up in tears. but things probably won't really hit me until we pack steve up and head for KS.

this just fucking sucks! and damn it...i hate this!

++++++

some questions that have been asked through blog comments and facebook--

What if you home schooled Kiele? Would she still need D-HOH services? this is one question we asked the lawyer: what if i home-schooled kiele. after a lot of information shared by her, she said that she thinks if i home-schooled for that one year, i'd be shooting myself in the foot. there's a lot to this, but she said, ultimately it comes down to...does kiele need the service or not? i shared that the situations are totally different--home-schooling in a quiet, non-distracting environment versus a noisy classroom. she acknowledged that but said that that is not what the district will be looking at--does kiele need the service or not and if home-schooled, kiele would not be using that service.  in the end, i trust the fact that if i home-schooled kiele for that year, i could be hurting the situation for the following move.   how long will he have to stay in KS? steve will be in KS for one year (june to june). he's attending command and general staff college. there's three similar programs and this is the army's version. we were originally supposed to be in RI (the navy's version) and the detailer (assignment person) changed steve's orders to KS because of kiele's education needs, which obviously didn't work out either. the one frustrating thing for me is that this program could be done in correspondence, but there's a certain number of 'in-residence' slots that need to be filled every year, directed by the chief naval officer. steve just happened to get one of these slots.

will you and the kids or steve be able to make trips back and forth on weekends? steve will try and come home every long weekend. the kids and i will probably not travel to KS for weekends, due to the expense of flying the four of us there. we've already concluded...this year is going to be an expensive one for us.

what about the summer? will you be able to spend it together? kiele is going to be spending this summer with her dad. the little ones and i will drive to KS with steve and spend 2-3 weeks with him and then fly back home. after that, we'll probably see him one weekend a month (steve traveling here) unless he happens to have more time off.

'if the military had wanted him to have a family they would have issued him one' is rearing its ugly head. Kansas is close enough to see each other often though, right? obviously, being apart a year on top of the 7 months apart that we just did, is NOT what i wanted. but it's the reality of the military right now. a friend just emailed me words of encouragement and also told me that when her husband gets back from his 6-month deployment, he'll be home for 3 months and then gone again for a year in afghanistan. this is another thing that could possibly happen--steve could get to his next assignment after kansas and have to deploy right away. we just never know. steve has nine years left in the military, which means we could be looking at another four or so deployments (and that's being optimistic). that is the reality of a military family.

What happens after KS? this november, steve will go in front of a board (well his paperwork will), with the potential of making executive officer (XO). this will be the second time he is up for this. the first time, about five guys got screwed--steve was one of them. if steve doesn't make XO this november, my heart will break because i feel like we will have done this all for nothing. all his boxes are checked and he's done everything possible to get selected for XO. i share this because, steve's next assignment greatly depends on whether he is selected for XO or not. so we will know whether steve made XO in december and probably get his next assignment a few months after that.

Where will you go after KS? we really have no idea. we do know that it will be in the US and that it will be near a major medical facility. but where in the US, we really have no idea.

If the school didn't give kiele the service, could you just pay for it yourself? no, we couldn't afford to pay for transcription ourselves. the service is around $30,000 for the one year. but it really boils down to the fact that it's more than the monetary issue--i don't want to give the following location any additional ammunition for keeping transcription from kiele. if we paid for transcription for kiele, i would be giving the following district (after KS) double the ammunition: 1) another state didn't think it was appropriate and 2) the parents are willing to pay for the service themselves.

Can Steve get out of his orders and do something else? i asked steve this question and he doesn't think he can. it's just too late. and like i said before, there is a directed amount of slots that navy EOD must fill and steve just happened to be one of the chosen ones. he also doesn't want to screw himself for XO selection and promotion. this all comes at the sacrifice of our family being together.

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kiele's educational needs are complicated to explain, but let me try just a bit.  deaf/hard-of hearing (DHH) is a low incidence disability, meaning that out of the school-aged population, generally less than 1% are DHH children. due to the rarity of DHH, the schools typically struggle to meet the needs of these children in general. they also often lack the knowledge, to make appropriate decisions (although they would never admit to this). this is especially true with the progressiveness of an oral-deaf child. they just don't know what to do with these kids and what is appropriate.

also, kiele is pretty invisible.  most see her and do not even know she is deaf.  and they don't think she needs anything special (beyond the FM system) in the classroom.  they just see it as she hears... and she talks...and she's just like everyone else. but while she does hear, she hears very differently than us and greatly struggles in the classroom setting. the reality is that without the appropriate services in the classroom, kiele cannot hear a single thing, due to how noisy the classroom is.  we don't realize how very noisy a classroom is because we have the ability to filter the background noise, which kiele lacks. kiele's GATE teacher actually put this to a test one day, when he didn't use the FM or transcription and kiele didn't hear a single thing.  scary, huh?  this also was tested and proven in the sound booth.

so let's play out a possible (and probable) KS scenario:

we move to KS and kiele is enrolled in 7th grade.  i meet with the IEP team and they say, we have oral DHH kids and not a single one in KS has transcription.  why is your child any different?  we think another service is comparable and could be provided to kiele instead.  we're going to give that service to kiele, as we believe that is most appropriate (most likely note-taking, which is not comparable to transcription in any way). i would disagree with their decision and we would proceed to mediation, where a third party person sits in with us, while we try to hash things out. i continue to disagree, advocating that transcription is appropriate for kiele, and we move to due process. at that point, we would meet again, this time with our lawyers. if the disagreement continues, we would then proceed to federal court.

i'm not afraid to do this at all; however, the lawyer informed me that if we went to court, it would take well over a year. and 'well over a year' is something that i just will not have in KS.

if we then move to the next assignment (wherever that may be), they would see that KS did not agree with transcription and that very well could possibly provide them additional ammunition for doing the same. and that is what i cannot have happen, as this whole fighting the system thing would start all over again from scratch...in another state.  

++++++

as i type this, i again think... what am i doing? i need to just fight!  i can't let them win, before even trying.   i need to advocate. not only for kiele, but for all oral-deaf kids. but it's done. we've told the kids and it's done. i can waffle no more. it just fucking sucks. sorry to keep saying it, but it's the one and only thing that i know is true right now.