well, i write this after a glass and a half of wine so hope everything makes sense tomorrow. :-)
this week has been a fabulous week but today has been rather bitter sweet for me.
steve's family was in town all week and we had an awesome time with them, although it was mostly just me and the kids b/c steve had school all day, every day. on friday, he graduated with his masters in global leadership from USD. that's why his family was here visiting, to attend his graduation. i'm so proud of him. he completed his masters with a full time job in the navy and a family to attend to. it amazes me that he was able to do it all...and do it so well. that's him though. he's the most amazing, kind, wonderful, handsome man. me...being the brat that i am, i told myself that if the air force didn't give me a scholarship (where i was able to attend a masters program, get my full salary, and not work...what a concept, huh?), i wasn't going to do it. i just thought there was no way to work full time and get my masters. lucky for me, the air force did give me a scholarship and i was able to complete my masters in nursing in 2000.
anyways...back to the real reason for the post...why was today so bitter sweet? skyler, my four year old, left with oma and opa (steve's parents) for five days at their house in NV. i just can't believe it. my little girl. old enough to go with grandma and grandpa. doesn't she still need me? it kind of scares me. before i know it, all three will be so grown up and not needing me the way i want them to.
but in saying that, it's going to be an exciting five days with ryder (kiele is with her dad in maine). i'm going to really embrace this time with him...and just him. just me and my boy. yet already, it feels lonely without the girls. i know i'm totally contradicting myself right now but i guess that's the way i feel. bitter sweet, right?
carpe diem!
rejoice while you are alive;
enjoy the day;
live life to the fullest;
make the most of what you have.
it is later than you think.
- ancient roman poet, 65 BC - 8 BC
i share this in response to the news i received today of the passing of a friend's daughter, dear maddie schafer. one day, two years ago, she was fine...a perfectly healthy 10 year old. the next, she started having massive seizures...she could no longer walk...she could no longer talk. over the past two years, they tried to stabilize her seizures; however, maddie continued to have seizures throughout every day, sometimes even every hour. their world was turned upside down in an instant. maddie's family was so dedicated to making maddie's life as normal and fulfilled as possible. maddie had been doing great and then yesterday morning, they went up to her room and she had passed away. totally unexpected, they believe she suffered a massive seizure that she was unable to recover from.
run maddie. run. hear. play soccer. swim. eat. talk.
i know you are an angel now
the angel that will watch over and protect your family here on earth
until they see you again.
(i met kim, maddie's mom, years ago, while we were in WA. she was the pediatric representative for kiele's cochlear implant company).
a while ago, i posted a bit on sam and team sam but i wanted to post a bit more about sam and his family (this probably won't be the last time either). i originally met sam quite a while back through kiele's deaf itinerant teacher (sam lost most of his hearing because of chemo)...and last weekend, i had the honor of photographing sam and his family.
meet sam.
a seven year old boy battling neuroblastoma for the second time.
a boy who is a bit shy at first, but warms up so quickly.
a boy who loves to have fun.
a boy that is so full of life, you can see it sparkle in his eyes.
meet sam.
a young boy.
a fighter.
a survivor.
in case you don't know what neuroblastoma has the potential to do, click here to view renee c. byer's pulitzer prize winning photos.
after just viewing beyer's photos, which i've seen plenty times before.
i sit here and sob.
i sob every time i view them.
i just can't imagine.
i just don't get it.
no child should have to go through that.
i can't imagine, as a parent, watching my child go through that.
why?
i just don't know.
damn it, i just don't know.
after a long break...needed to recompose my thoughts
******************************************************************
i often check sam's progress report, hoping that one day i'll see that his cancer was miraculously cured. not yet. but what i did read was beautiful, touched my soul and had me it tears...once again. an entry written by sam's mom and dad. written to sam, for his seventh birthday. just in case some of you never visit sam's website, i wanted to post sam's birthday entry here (originally written on july 13th and shared here with permission from sam's mom).
Happy 7th Birthday to Sam, our amazing little (getting big) boy! Sammy, you are our inspiration. You have a wicked sense of humor and a quick smile that goes straight to the heart. I love to watch you laugh (a couple of nights ago you were laughing so hard at Charlie Brown that you couldn’t breathe very well). You are shy with people who don’t know you but anyone who takes the time to get to know you is always a fan for life. You are so mechanically smart that you can fix things and figure out puzzles and mazes way beyond your years. You have always been freakishly coordinated (rode the neighbor’s razor scooter at age 2, rode a bike without training wheels on your 4th birthday and can hit a ball pitched anywhere near your strike zone). You are becoming quite the skateboarder these days. You are my fashion consultant and always help me pick out what to wear if I’m going somewhere. You always want to wear the latest and coolest stuff and are an Imelda Marcos of shoes (you are currently out with your father and Andrew trying to talk Dad into buying you new colored Converse for your birthday). You remember things about people and what they like and what they wear, details that we are amazed you catch and you are very kind. You are a great big brother. You love torment both your little brothers (and me) but you produce acts of kindness towards all of us that take my breath away. You are very persistent and will try anything (including different types of food).
You have taken what would bring most adults to their knees in stride, mostly with a smile and just get on with it. You take 40 pills a day without complaint and are proud to show people that you can now take 4 at a time. I’ve seen you throw up and then run out to play with your brother and your friends as if nothing is wrong. Your father and I sometimes want to shout from the rooftops about how wonderful you are and what an amazing spirit you have even after all you’ve gone through and are going through. We want the world to know that you are our hero and our friend.
You have skipped soccer camp for the last two days and I couldn’t get out of you why you didn’t want to go but I think it has something to do with your birthday wish that you wrote last night with your tutor: “My birthday wish is to run faster.” I would give anything to be able to give you your wish.Your daddy is working so hard to find medicines that will give you your speed back. You didn’t dwell at all though. As soon as your tutor left you said to Andrew and I, “Come on, let’s go outside and play basketball” and we did.
Sammy, we love you and we are so proud of you. You teach us how to live every day.
Love,
Mom and Dad
i leave you with that. words of inspiration. not from me but from a family that i so geatly admire. a family committed to finding a cure and seeing their child survive. i leave you with words of encouragement...encouragement to live every day to it's fullest.
if you're interested in helping the fight against neuroblastoma and medulloblastoma, please visit the magic water project.
meet sam.
a seven year old boy battling neuroblastoma for the second time.
a boy who is a bit shy at first, but warms up so quickly.
a boy who loves to have fun.
a boy that is so full of life, you can see it sparkle in his eyes.
meet sam.
a young boy.
a fighter.
a survivor.
in case you don't know what neuroblastoma has the potential to do, click here to view renee c. byer's pulitzer prize winning photos.
after just viewing beyer's photos, which i've seen plenty times before.
i sit here and sob.
i sob every time i view them.
i just can't imagine.
i just don't get it.
no child should have to go through that.
i can't imagine, as a parent, watching my child go through that.
why?
i just don't know.
damn it, i just don't know.
after a long break...needed to recompose my thoughts
******************************************************************
i often check sam's progress report, hoping that one day i'll see that his cancer was miraculously cured. not yet. but what i did read was beautiful, touched my soul and had me it tears...once again. an entry written by sam's mom and dad. written to sam, for his seventh birthday. just in case some of you never visit sam's website, i wanted to post sam's birthday entry here (originally written on july 13th and shared here with permission from sam's mom).
Happy 7th Birthday to Sam, our amazing little (getting big) boy! Sammy, you are our inspiration. You have a wicked sense of humor and a quick smile that goes straight to the heart. I love to watch you laugh (a couple of nights ago you were laughing so hard at Charlie Brown that you couldn’t breathe very well). You are shy with people who don’t know you but anyone who takes the time to get to know you is always a fan for life. You are so mechanically smart that you can fix things and figure out puzzles and mazes way beyond your years. You have always been freakishly coordinated (rode the neighbor’s razor scooter at age 2, rode a bike without training wheels on your 4th birthday and can hit a ball pitched anywhere near your strike zone). You are becoming quite the skateboarder these days. You are my fashion consultant and always help me pick out what to wear if I’m going somewhere. You always want to wear the latest and coolest stuff and are an Imelda Marcos of shoes (you are currently out with your father and Andrew trying to talk Dad into buying you new colored Converse for your birthday). You remember things about people and what they like and what they wear, details that we are amazed you catch and you are very kind. You are a great big brother. You love torment both your little brothers (and me) but you produce acts of kindness towards all of us that take my breath away. You are very persistent and will try anything (including different types of food).
You have taken what would bring most adults to their knees in stride, mostly with a smile and just get on with it. You take 40 pills a day without complaint and are proud to show people that you can now take 4 at a time. I’ve seen you throw up and then run out to play with your brother and your friends as if nothing is wrong. Your father and I sometimes want to shout from the rooftops about how wonderful you are and what an amazing spirit you have even after all you’ve gone through and are going through. We want the world to know that you are our hero and our friend.
You have skipped soccer camp for the last two days and I couldn’t get out of you why you didn’t want to go but I think it has something to do with your birthday wish that you wrote last night with your tutor: “My birthday wish is to run faster.” I would give anything to be able to give you your wish.Your daddy is working so hard to find medicines that will give you your speed back. You didn’t dwell at all though. As soon as your tutor left you said to Andrew and I, “Come on, let’s go outside and play basketball” and we did.
Sammy, we love you and we are so proud of you. You teach us how to live every day.
Love,
Mom and Dad
i leave you with that. words of inspiration. not from me but from a family that i so geatly admire. a family committed to finding a cure and seeing their child survive. i leave you with words of encouragement...encouragement to live every day to it's fullest.
if you're interested in helping the fight against neuroblastoma and medulloblastoma, please visit the magic water project.
nothing inspirational. nothing really exciting. just a happy little family. a family of little people.
i'm entering another photography contest and the theme is 'family'. i entered a few family-themed portraits but i had this idea too. all photos submitted have to be black and white. i guess this is what happens when i have a weekend with no sessions (they both had to reschedule).
news...
a few posts back, i hinted at news...possibly some exciting news.
well, i have some exciting news and some not-so-exciting news to share.
not-so-exciting news:
VH1 is launching a new reality show, CLICK!, for photographers.
From the producer of “America’s Next Top Model”, “Click!” will give ten amateur photographers the chance to live out their wildest fantasies in pursuit of their ultimate dream: to become the next great fashion photographer. Our cast will live and work together in a downtown L.A. loft while being guided by world-renowned fashion photographer Russell James.These aspiring photographers will embark on a series of photo shoots meant to challenge their creativity and expose their individual weaknesses. For the first time in their lives, the cast will work with supermodels and high-end professionals, while traveling to exotic locations – all to capture that one perfect shot. Whether it’s shooting on the deck of a schooner in the midst of a storm, or trying to get a supermodel to cuddle up to a Siberian tiger, our cast will face daunting tasks and obstacles that will test their talent, desire and drive to be the next great fashion photographer.
i had the amazing opportunity to interview for the show last week. i was so hopeful (one can dream, right). well, no call for me and in this case, no news is bad news. when i was done with the interview, the casting agent said that she was going to try and pitch me as the "edgy mother hen". kind of funny but if i gotten selected selected, i would have been one of the oldest (they were casting ages 21-40). so, i chalk this up to a wonderful opportunity and a great learning experience. for some reason it wasn't meant to be and that's okay.
exciting news:
military spouse magazine wants to officially sign me on as one of their photographers. beginning next month, i will have a minimum of five photographs in every issue. they are going to be using my work instead of stock photography whenever possible.
this is what i received yesterday from the magazine's art director:
Deb,
We’d like to retain you as the Military Spouse photographer starting for the next issue. You have the innate ability to capture the moments we need to connect our readers to the content visually. The qualities of your photos are a perfect complement to the magazine and the look and feel we are trying to achieve. Your photography is trendy, youthful and stylistically very contemporary, while being balanced with maturity, experience and quality.
this is such an awesome opportunity. i'm so excited! while i've already been working over the past few months, it's been nothing like this (they've used my photographs here and there). it's now an official partnership. and i love working with them.
i commissioned a freelance artist, erika, to do a painting of each one of my kids and she finished the first one today...skyler. i adore it. i can't wait to get the rest. truly her work is brilliant. and she does everything from portrait work to abstract paintings. i'm just amazed at how talented she is. i would recommend her to anyone and everyone.
check her work out here.
to commission erika, simply email her at erikaj.art@gmail.com.
i'm so excited!
i tried another 'me with the kids' self portrait today, this time vertical (the mag needs vertical).
and i had to do this today b/c kiele leaves tonight to go with her dad for three weeks.
this shot was the first shot we did, when everyone was smiley and happy.
what started with smiles and happiness ended with mad faces, pouting, closed eyes, eyes looking everywhere but the camea and tongues sticking out.
you should see the outtakes.
ugh.
i told the military spouse magazine art director that if this one doesn't work then it's okay...
i'm done.
i think the next time i'll try this again is...
next year.
maybe.
it's painful trying to get a shot like this of yourself.
i bribed.
i fussed.
and now i owe them some serious time at the park.
off we go.
every now and then, it has to happen--a business post.
well, just a few things...
i just had a session cancellation for this saturday AM. if you know of someone that is interested in getting in last minute, please have them email me asap. AM sessions begin at 8 AM (or earlier).
i'm now booking into september and remaining session dates are quickly being taken. things really begin to pick up now, as people begin to think about the holidays.
i will not be shooting the month of december (except for newborns).
if you would like prints delivered in time for christmas, the session deadline is november 18th.
2007 available session dates:
September
Sat, 1 Sep
Sun, 2 Sep
Sun, 9 Sep
Sat, 22 Sep
October
Sun, 7 Oct
Sat, 20 Oct
Sun, 21 Oct
Sat, 27 Oct
Sun, 28 Oct
November
Sat, 3 Nov
Sun, 4 Nov
Sun, 11 Nov
Sun, 18 Nov
last night, my good friend, tina, and i were sharing old photographs of ourselves with each other...laughing our asses off as we were looking at ourselves and one another. my digital photos only go back so far so i decided to dig into kiele's albums and i found the photo below.
AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
OMG!
seriously, what was i thinking?! died my hair brown. bobbed hair. bangs. and nice baggy shirt with sleeves folded up.
LMAO.
the first photo is from 1998 (that's kiele on my back and well...that's kiele's dad that i cropped out :-). and the following photo...i took that shot of the kids and i today (for military spouse magazine...they need a photo of me with the kids). the only bummer is that i found out, after i did the photos today, that they need a vertical shot, not horizontal. oh well...i'll try again tonight or tomorrow (before kiele goes with her dad for three weeks).
now don't laugh too hard...
1998 (me at 28 years old), photo from the Picture People
and today (me at 37 years old)
live with intention.
walk to the edge.
listen hard.
practice wellness.
play with abandon.
laugh.
choose with no regret.
continue to learn.
appreciate your friends.
do what you love.
live as if this is all there is.
- mary anne radmacher
a canvas display, purchased for me by my mother-in-law, that sits on my desk. she said that the quote reminded her of me. of course, i was more than flattered. i try and look at the display many times a day...read it and truly soak in the words. the meaning of each statement. do i do that? am i practicing what i look at every day? some days more than others but one thing i can say is...at least i try.
i've had some super nice comments come through my email lately, all of which i so greatly appreciate. people telling me how great my work is. how talented i am. how much they love my photographs. how i'm going to be famous someday. sometimes, as i read these kind emails, tears well up in my eyes because i want it so bad. i'm that passionate about what i do. then i think how? when? will that magic door of opportunity open right before my eyes one day? am i working hard enough? am i doing the right things? well, i hope that it does. i hope that that door opens before i'm too old. i dream that it will.
and then my mind veers off course and i begin to think about all the years i wasted doing something that i didn't love. why? why did i waste all those years? why didn't my parents encourage me to do what i love? why didn't they encourage me period?. i long to attend photography school. an art institute, brooks institute, anywhere. but how? how can i do that with three young kids and a husband in the navy? the fact is that i can't. i can't right now and when i can, i'm going to be much older, older than i already am. i'm behind the curve as it is. damn.
it's just me...it's the way i'm built to want to be formally trained. i need it to complete me and feel like i'm competitive with the rest, those that were able to attend photography school (at probably a much younger age). i know i'm doing well but not well enough for me.
i keep trying to think positively but sometimes, well...some days are tougher than others. and on those days, i get a bit bitter. not bitter with my life {i LOVE my life} but bitter about my decisions growing up. i'm a survivor. i did what i thought was the right thing. but why didn't i see it. actually i did see it. i knew in college that i didn't like nursing. but why didn't i act. damn. damn. damn.
i'm going to figure out a way someday. or maybe someone out there will see my passion and take me under their wing for what i've been able to teach myself. take me for how truly passionate i am. i don't know. does that really happen? yea, i know it does. things like that do happen sometimes. things that others only dream about. why not me, right? why can't that dream happen to me?
well, what started out as an inspiring post ended up being a bit of a rant...sorry about that. we all have days like that every now and then. i guess today was my day. back to happy thoughts...and believing in myself.
that's what i heard as i sat at the computer editing. i turn around and yep, charley's humping (not lumping) sky's leg. we've told the kids before to not let charley hump them and i guess sky remembered it as "lump".
he's lumping me again.
{you can't help but laugh as you hear sky's infectious giggle while she's saying it.}
he's lumping me. he's lumping me.
so, i guess i dedicate this blog entry to our cockapoo, charley. our dog, who's not such a puppy anymore. our dog, who ruined ryder's rug today by pulling out a quarter of the loops. our dog, who jumps five feet high and kiele calls our circus dog. our dog, who likes to hump my kids. our dog, who the kids adore and is worth it all just because they love him. you gotta love charley.
needless to say, charley is going to be fixed in the very near future.
man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.
- leo f. buscaglia
the ocean. the open ocean full of the unknown. full of wonder. full of possibilities. full of discovery. truly that is what life is all about. life is about leaving the shore, where things are known and safe and venturing out to the unknown, the unknown sea that is full of possibilities.
a great, long time friend of mine said to me today, "deb, do you know how much you've accomplished? it's amazing everything that you've done and how far you've come in such a short time with your photography." and she's right BUT...as a perfectionist, and a huge over-achiever, it's often hard to sit back and pat myself on the back for what i have accomplished. however, this is one time in my life where i'm really trying to do that. i'm extremely hard on myself but in this case, i can honestly say that i am proud of what i've done with my photography and so thankful to all those who have supported me and continue to support me and believe in me. i think it's different now b/c i'm older, wiser and i'm truly following my passion. most of my other accomplishments have just been things i've been able to check off my list (although i have to say that enlisting in the army and completing it as leader of the cycle and distinguished graduate are things that i'm also really proud of).
i think it's so important that we follow our dreams, even if it means taking risks. you will never know until you try. you don't know what's out there, beyond the shore, waiting for you. i became a nurse b/c i thought it was the right thing to do...i thought it was what i was supposed to do. i became a photographer b/c it's my passion...it's what i love to do...it's what i was meant to do...it's what i have always dreamed of doing. it was a risk for me but it's been the greatest, most amazing accomplishment ever. i have great aspirations for my photography. i have no idea where it will take me but i dream of great things. i'm ready to plunge deep into the ocean blue. i'm ready!
the earth laughs in flowers.
- ralph waldo emerson
i've so been into flowers lately...photographing them, that is. i just can't get enough of them. lucky for me, i had a very willing participant at my shoot the other day. she was such a great four year old and so willing to humor me with my rose--holding the rose in my water bottle vase, playing peek-a-boo with me (with the rose), etc. i feel like i can give a child a rose and magic happens. didn't hurt that we were at my favorite white house too.
well...
while i would love to write more (i feel like i've been slacking a bit with my blog lately), i just can't. i'm super, super tired tonight. my eyes are barely staying open at this point. but before i sign off, i have to share one more thing...well, not really...but...i'm doing something exciting on wednesday and hope to have some super cool news to share in the next week or so. no matter what, i'll at least have something to share.
gotcha wondering, huh?!
good night.
not the photos you expected for a 4th of july post? oh, but what a fun 4th of july...a 4th of july to remember, celebrated with great friends (steph, mike and their one-year-old, liam). what started out as a BBQ get-together between two families ended up a mohawk, shaving heads party. don't worry. i still have all my hair and...so do the kids. but steph's husband doesn't.
4th of july.
steak and burgers brought by friends.
yummy red wine (la crema pinot noir, of course).
a discussion is started about shaving heads.
steph said no way steve shaves his own head.
mike says yes.
steph loses the bet.
more eating and drinking.
an agreement is made between husband and wife.
mohawks are shaped on all males wtih hair.
one husband shaves the other husband's head.
lots of photos taken by one wife.
kids and adults jumping off chairs.
more photos taken.
chair is broken by one husband.
wives laughing their butts off.
another husband poses like matthew fox, encouraged by two wives.
a night of great fun and lots of laughter with friends had.
i'm hoping that steph posts more photos (she took the majority of them and they're hilarious).
steph, mike and liam leave this friday for RI. you'll probably see me talking a lot about them in the next few days b/c i hope to spend as much time as possible with them before they go. it's the one thing that sucks about being a military family; it's a standard that friends come and go.
the photos:
my wine glass on the patio table
ryder posing for the camera (to keep me from photographing his sister)
and ryder's mohawk (it took three days to get the goop out of his hair)
if i could change the world
if i could change the world, i would like to do a lot of different things.
i would give homeless people houses.
i would talk to the president and ask him if he would make people live in the same houses.
i would want guns and other weapons to be illegal so there wouldn't be any wars.
i would like to make everybody kind, but i don't know if i could.
i would like to help animals by telling people to recycle so animals would have woods.
i would also like to give stray dogs and cats food, shelter, and even a home.
i would like people to not dump out water and not waste food.
i would like people to stop killing animals.
i would like people to stop littering.
if i could do all of those things, i bet the world would be a better and different place in the future.
seeing things like this melt my heart. i was going through the pile of school stuff that kiele left me to go through (i go through it and decide what to keep for her time capsule and what to purge). and i found the above in her writing journal. if anyone could have seen me, i was grinning ear to ear. the beauty and magic of this child never ceases to amaze me. i saw in another journal of kiele's, her summer plans: study california and history, learn science, do math, learn human body and work on art. i have no doubt that kiele will change the world...someday...somehow...someway.
and sky...well she is my future artist. her drawings blow my mind. she drew this picture of spongebob squarepants the other day, while watching the cartoon. she would look at the TV and then draw a little more, until her drawing was complete. and she just turned four. steve's mom, joy, was an artist and i have no doubt that sky is following in her footsteps. we talked to sky today about starting art classes and she said that she would like to do that.
i never imagined the joy my children would bring me. it gets more amazing every day. truly, they are the greatest gift a person could dream or hope for. i think i might have posted this quote before but i couldn't help but post it again.
there are lives I can imagine without children
but none of them have the same laughter & noise.
- brian andreas