yep, this post is all about the male figures in my life.

last night, when putting ryder to bed.
me: are you going to have fun in school tomorrow?
ryder: yea.
ryder: no, i cai.
me: no, ryder i don't want you to cry. i want you to have fun at school.
ryder: no mamma. i cai. you...stay home wi you.
me: no, you can't stay home with me. tomorrow is a fun school day.
ryder: i cai then momma.
me: i love you ryder.
ryder: wov you momma.
snuggle. snuggle.
oh...how my heart melts.

this morning, getting ready for school.
me: ryder, can i take your picture today.
ryder: yea.
me: what are you going to do for picture day.
head tilts to one side with great big smile. camera clicks. (see below).
me: ryder, lets move over here for another picture.
ryder: okay momma.
we relocate.
me: what's that ryder.
ryder: ant.
me: what did you just eat.
ryder: ant.

not really sure what's going on. earlier this morning, it was a piece of string...yep, he put it in his mouth, chewed it up and swallowed. and now, an ant. hopefully he's done now though. yuck.

PICTURE DAY SMILE

FINDING THE ANT

and then, dropping ryder off at school today, he started crying and clinging on to my pants. then when i brought him to his teacher, he started crying "i scared momma. no. i scared." OH MY GOSH. i wanted to grab him and run as fast as i could in the opposite direction. but the other part of me knows that it's a great school (ryder has the teachers that sky had last year) and ryder always says he had fun when i pick him up. as i was leaving the room, watching the teacher snuggle my baby on her lap, she said, "don't worry, it doesn't last long". i know that. but it doesn't make leaving him any easier.

and for the other male in my life...my husband. bless his heart, he's the most amazing husband...and father. truly he is. he's beyond kind and caring. helps me with everything, including dishes and laundry. he never complains. he's a dream. BUT...how can he not figure this out.

10 PM last night. ring. ring.
steve: hello.
converation transpires.
steve: i'm home saturday.
deb: huh?, i say in my mind. he's supposed to be home on friday. i have a session on saturday and i've already rescheduled this weekends sessions b/c he was leaving today, instead of monday (which was the original plan).
phone conversation ends.
deb: honey, when are you home from your trip? saturday?
steve: yea, i think so.
deb: i thought you were coming home on friday. what time?
steve: let me look.
gets itinerary.
steve: 7:30 PM
deb: don't you think that's something i might need to know. i have a session on saturday. (deb looks at calendar to see who is booked on saturday) and it's a session that i can't reschedule b/c they're coming in from sacramento.
deb: emails babysitter right away (and lucky for me, babysitter is available)

i was mad at first. how could he not realize that his returning on saturday was something i needed to know? but then i thought about it and *i* realized that maybe it's just as much my fault as his. why didn't i ask him about his trip earlier, when he was getting home, etc. so, i guess my following week's personal 'husband' goal will continue to be to spend more alone time with my husband and work on conversation. it's so easy to put the kids to bed, hop on our separate computers and work, work, work. before i know it, steve kisses me good night and is on his way to bed (not a word said between the two of us the entire time...he at his computer, me at mine). ugh. i must change this. it will continue to be on my goal list until i get it right. i'll keep working at it! and oh, i love and cherish him so!

found this quote the other day and i love it.

it takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them,
more strength to relate to peopel than to dominate them,
more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex.
toughness is in the soul and spirit,
not in the muscles and the immature mind.
- alex karras

may we all find our personal abundance of courage, strength, 'manhood' and toughness.