live with intention.
walk to the edge.
listen hard.
practice wellness.
play with abandon.
laugh.
choose with no regret.
continue to learn.
appreciate your friends.
do what you love.
live as if this is all there is.
- mary anne radmacher

a canvas display, purchased for me by my mother-in-law, that sits on my desk. she said that the quote reminded her of me. of course, i was more than flattered. i try and look at the display many times a day...read it and truly soak in the words. the meaning of each statement. do i do that? am i practicing what i look at every day? some days more than others but one thing i can say is...at least i try.

i've had some super nice comments come through my email lately, all of which i so greatly appreciate. people telling me how great my work is. how talented i am. how much they love my photographs. how i'm going to be famous someday. sometimes, as i read these kind emails, tears well up in my eyes because i want it so bad. i'm that passionate about what i do. then i think how? when? will that magic door of opportunity open right before my eyes one day? am i working hard enough? am i doing the right things? well, i hope that it does. i hope that that door opens before i'm too old. i dream that it will.

and then my mind veers off course and i begin to think about all the years i wasted doing something that i didn't love. why? why did i waste all those years? why didn't my parents encourage me to do what i love? why didn't they encourage me period?. i long to attend photography school. an art institute, brooks institute, anywhere. but how? how can i do that with three young kids and a husband in the navy? the fact is that i can't. i can't right now and when i can, i'm going to be much older, older than i already am. i'm behind the curve as it is. damn.

it's just me...it's the way i'm built to want to be formally trained. i need it to complete me and feel like i'm competitive with the rest, those that were able to attend photography school (at probably a much younger age). i know i'm doing well but not well enough for me.

i keep trying to think positively but sometimes, well...some days are tougher than others. and on those days, i get a bit bitter. not bitter with my life {i LOVE my life} but bitter about my decisions growing up. i'm a survivor. i did what i thought was the right thing. but why didn't i see it. actually i did see it. i knew in college that i didn't like nursing. but why didn't i act. damn. damn. damn.

i'm going to figure out a way someday. or maybe someone out there will see my passion and take me under their wing for what i've been able to teach myself. take me for how truly passionate i am. i don't know. does that really happen? yea, i know it does. things like that do happen sometimes. things that others only dream about. why not me, right? why can't that dream happen to me?

well, what started out as an inspiring post ended up being a bit of a rant...sorry about that. we all have days like that every now and then. i guess today was my day. back to happy thoughts...and believing in myself.